Set-Backs

Today was one of those days. I am not PMSing, I am pretty much over that crappy flu that just hit Abbotsford, no one close to me is giving me grief. So why am I in such a bad mood today? Yesterday was SUCH a high, and everybody knows what I am talking about. That was the most exciting hockey game ever, and I was SO thankful to be working LiveSite and experiencing that with my whole community. Not that it hasn't been said enough times already, but seriously, GO CANADA GO! All of the energy and euphoria I was feeling yesterday has left me; drained out of some slow leak somewhere between my heart and mind, and I am just kinda sad. Is it because the Olympics are over? Is it because less cars today were sporting those awesome Canada flag window things? Is it because I am stressed?

I spent today with more than 40 campers, leading morning preschool camps and then heading over to the Fun Factory to take the older kids swimming for a few hours. Anyone who has worked with camps knows that it is exhausting and of course I shouldn't be surprised at how tired I feel. When I got home tonight all I wanted to do was eat. Anything and everything. It is absolutely crazy how quickly our minds shift into reverse and allow for these old thought patterns to emerge.

Tonight's thought patterns went something like this: I get home from camp, dump my backpack full of my soggy towel and bathing suit on my bed, and head to the kitchen. I am greeted warmly by my sweet house mate and asked if anything exciting happened today. I reply in a gruff voice, and tell her my woes. I start to make dinner. And all of a sudden my appetite is insatiable. I am hungry and stressed and have said To Hell With It! regarding my "healthy life-style choices". The voices come back, taunting me, saying, Who Cares! Eat! So I make this meal, right? Oven baked french fries from fresh potatoes and a chicken cutlet. Then I start to eat candy that has been stashed in my pantry for months. Then I feel like having those stale cheesies in the cupboard. And I don't know why I am eating all this. And I also don't know why I feel so guilty. Yep, probably could have done without the crap and all that, but seriously, right now I feel like a failure with a capital F and this is why I have struggled so bad in the past. Because last year I would have found it perfectly acceptable to relieve that guilt. I would not have been lying in bed blogging waiting for this sick feeling to pass. I would not have cared.

But tonight I do care, because I made myself a promise knowing full well that this journey was full of set-backs and struggles and good choices and bad choices. And tonight I do not love myself any less for eating candy and cheesies. It is actually laughable, thinking that someone would be unloved for that, hey? What a crazy world this is sometimes.

Friends, I hope that as you lay your head down tonight you can let go of something you've been holding onto. Forgive yourself or someone you love and sleep well. And as always, thank you for listening. XOXO

~C~