I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me
Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
It’s unusual to begin a post with song lyrics, but I didn’t know where else to start. Because this song (by Bethany Dillon) pretty much sums up the heart of the matter in my life. Yes, there are deeply rooted issues that have played a role in my eating disorder, but when it comes down to it, don’t we all just want to be beautiful?
It was nice to be so confident in myself for all those years. To leave the house wearing overalls at 16 years old with a purple shirt underneath and hair that hadn’t been flat-ironed to death was sweet bliss. I don’t really know when it was when I first felt ugly, but it sure left an impression. Maybe it was the fact that as we all started to grow up, I realized more and more that my average looking girl friends were starting to grow into these beautiful, radiant, self-sufficient women. And perhaps the same was happening within me, but I couldn’t see that. All I could see was the super models I was going out for coffee with.
From 2004 on I started spending a lot of time in California, and that in itself played quite a role in my self-esteem. The O.C.? It isn’t a joke! It’s real! Barbie and Ken exist in the flesh. They are everywhere. I would look in the mirror in some bathroom on Laguna Beach and I wouldn’t even see Skipper. Or Stacey. Or Kelly. I just saw...someone that I didn’t like.
I went through an incredibly awkward stage where I began experimenting with fashion. Most girls go through this somewhere between 11 and 14, but I was a 19 year old without a clue. It wasn’t pretty. I guess today I am still kind of clueless, but I would like to think that I have settled into my style. I like the Gap and Joe, and I like leaving the house looking clean and tidy. I always know that it is time to pick up the slack on my appearance when people start asking me if I am feeling okay!
We all want to be beautiful, right? And I think we all go through different methods to get there. Some of us spend lots of money on make-up and hair products. Some of buy fancy clothes and jewelry. Some of us start throwing up in order to lose weight. Some of us stop eating all together. Other than hurting yourself or others to look good, I think it is pretty normal and can be respectable to want to be your best.
It’s no secret that beauty comes from within. For all the hard work and sweat and tears (literally) that we put into looking beautiful, it would probably be a good idea to start working on the inside, too. Maybe if we all forgave a little more, laughed a little harder, sang a little louder, and thought a little deeper we could all begin to shine.
Here is to a bright and beautiful week, my friends. : )
~C~
