Here's the deal: I was 90% ecstatic for my two girls who had met the men of their dreams, and 10% jealous. There. I said it. It was a crazy summer. I had just moved back to B.C. and was settling into a new place with a new housemate. Before I knew it, I was in my kindergarten best friend's wedding, and 12 days later I was in my other best friend's wedding. Of course I needed to find a boyfriend. And I did. And it was pretty easy. All it took was a walk around Mill Lake and the next day he asked me out and that was it. There. I had done it. I had found myself a summer boyfriend. I am so tempted to giggle right now, but the truth is, this is so not cool. What was going through my mind? Well, there was the jealousy, and the stress, and the gorgeous summer nights, and the fact that I hadn't been kissed in awhile. Yep, I guess that is what made me agree to date Jordan.
We did have fun together, and truth be told, he was kind of a gift because it is nice to have someone take you to the lake in the summer and hold your hand. And I really think Jordan is a lovely person. But I was really, really unfair to him. I was dealing big time with my issues and I allowed Jordan to be my human band-aid. I expected love to come easily and gently wash away all the insecurity and loneliness and for my feet to get swept out from under me. That pretty much didn't happen. For the first few weeks we waded through the typical what-is-your-favorite-colour? questions, but after awhile we made it to the big guns: the what-exactly-are-your-issues? talk. And I told him the truth. I told him I was bulimic. It is not as though people generally receive that well, because they don't, but he kinda bummed me out. I don't even remember what he said or how he said it, but Jordan, bless his heart, is a pretty insensitive person so it probably wasn't very nice. Whatever it was, it didn't help, and I just kind of figured out how to work around him so he wouldn't suspect anything.
I guess it was our anniversary or something, or maybe it was nothing at all, but he wanted to take me to Milestones. It had been a long, hard day, and as excited as I was to get all dolled up and go for dinner, the stress hormones invaded my body and I literally just didn't leave my house until I had my "fix". I came home from work, and as usual headed to the kitchen and made myself happy. I watched a bit of TV or something, and when I had tortured myself enough with the fullness, I threw up. Only then was I able to walk to my closet and feel okay enough to pull out an outfit and put myself together and walk out the door. The guilt I felt driving to Jordan's apartment was far worse than any food guilt I had felt, and I could barely even focus on the road. I knew I was a horrible, horrible person who should not be in a relationship. When I got out of the car, there was his cute little face looking at me with huge question marks. Oh, and there was a little bit of anger in there, too. Who can blame a guy for being starved after working a 12 hour day in construction under the blazing sun? I. Felt. Like. A. Loser. Jordan forgave me, although the question is, did I tell him the truth or not? I have no clue.
Dinner was strained. There we were, on this beautiful patio in the August breeze, Jordan still looking wounded and I feeling the usual guilt that clung to me regularly like a baby koala. There was probably a part of me that thought about breaking up with the guy, but I just did not want to think about it at that point.
In the end, it was a combination of some really, really boneheaded things that Jordan said and did, plus the fact that I was still so messed up, plus the fact that it just wasn't fun anymore. We were not working as a team, and I started getting these weird stomach aches whenever he was around. Literally. Try explaining to your doctor that you think you might be allergic to your boyfriend. Not so much.
So we broke up. And I got over it nicely and returned to the enormous task of healing. And I guess that is just how life goes sometime, isn't it? Jordan I haven't spoken or seen each other in a really, really long time, and I highly doubt he would ever come across this blog, but in case he does, I want him to know I am sorry. He will know he is Jordan, and he will know I am the same old me, and that I didn't mean to hurt him.
As for the rest of you, I owe most of you apologies, too, and I am praying for the stamina to keep up the writing and continue my story. I love you guys. XOXO
~C~
