But we did have a nice chat, God and I, this morning. For some reason, while lying there in my bed, I put one hand out in front of me, and with the other I just started pretending to put things into it. My money troubles. My new apartment (which I have yet to find). My loneliness. My family. Everything that has been bothering me lately, really. And after this little weird little game that I was playing, I opened my hand that "contained all my worries" and I took a deep breath and blew. It was kind of special. I gave them to God.
When I came out of my room I sat in my special chair where I usually post blogs from. It is the chair right beside my bookcase, the one that contains those volumes of journals I have mentioned. I began, once again, leafing through them, looking for something special to share with you guys this morning. Sometimes reading them is too hard, not because of any horror but because of unspeakable joy that I have experienced in my life. Sometimes, when it is March and you are tired and lonely, going back to those moments of happiness is really hard.
I did come across something that I want to share with you. It is me writing out a dream I had in 2005. Yes, it is a bit cheesy, but I am going to stand up for it by saying that it was very real to me. The "she" is me...
She is waiting to begin her decent, and she can see her strength in the distance.
One last look around her, and she takes in the salt air, sees the crystal blue water,
the faded and distant hills...is she ready to let go?
Her eyes fill with tears and she starts to run.
Runs with everything that she is.
Cold tears streak her face as her hair whips wildly around her, caught in a powerful wind.
Her creator waits with arms wide open.
He is beaming and radiant...his little girl is coming home.
A sob catches in his throat when he sees her desperation.
He never wanted her to hurt this bad.
She knows with all her heart that he can take it from her.
That he will take it from her.
She expects him to lift her, expects his great strength to sweep her off her feet.
Instead, he drops to his knees as she falls into his arms,
weary, exhausted, and saved.
She knows now, no matter what, he will always be there
to catch her when she falls.
I honestly don't know why it is I felt the urge to write that out this morning. I am usually pretty aware of being too preachy, and I don't like coming across to people as religious, but preferably as someone with a relationship with God. It's just that on this Sunday morning I wanted to return to something that used to mean a lot to me.
Thanks for listening once again, and forgive me if I have done too much talking here this morning. I know we don't all believe in God, or at least in the same God, but it's kind of nice to have someone to talk to when you are all alone.
~C~
