Midnight

Eyebrows. Do you ever try to picture people without them? I am not entirely sure that eyebrows have a specific purpose or whatever, but without them I think that we would look really, really weird. Some people hate their eyebrows, and some people love them.

I am indifferent about mine, but they annoy the heck out of me because they get really, really long and curly and have a mind of their own. So every once in awhile I attempt to tame them, and it is never really pretty. I had them waxed for the first time at Christmas. It was all good until the next day when I got the strangest breakout right between my eyes because of the oily wax they used. Not cool. Other times I have gone on a tweezing frenzy and gotten a little carried away. Can you relate??

In my constant strive to be totally real and candid, I will tell you a story that will hopefully make you smile...

On Tuesday night my friends and I got together for our traditional Glee night, and as usual the conversation carried on long after the credits rolled. Somewhere around 10:30pm we got into talking about our eyebrows, and many a horror story was shared. I specifically remember thinking to myself, ‘Whew, I am sure glad my eyebrows are in tact!’.

Later that night we piled in the car and made it home around midnight. I walked into my humble abode and began preparing for bed. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I decided that it would be a good time to pay a little bit of attention to my eyebrows, since we had talked so much about them that night. I got out my little facial hair trimmer thing (electric, by the way), intending to just get rid of the wispy blond uni-brow. As the hairs started falling into my eyes, I casually wiped them away...with the hand holding the electric trimmer...

I shaved off my eyebrow.

I stared in horror at my hairless brow, while a million snipits of our conversation flashed through my head...snipits about how retarded we were back in the day when we went tweezer happy and ended up with lopsided, crazy, bare eyebrows. Only this wasn’t “back in the day”. It was simply “in the day”.

I set the alarm to wake me up half an hour early so I could have a shower. For almost 26 years my hair has been parting itself on the left, but I had to blow-dry it to part on the right so that I could use my bangs to cover the hairless brow. It didn’t work very well. Have you ever tried to change your part? It hurts. I never knew that. My bangs are stubborn and despite the blow-dryer, straightener, and moose, they kept falling back the other way.

So I tried filling in that eyebrow with the closest thing I had to an eyebrow pencil...

Eyeliner. Black eyeliner.

It didn’t work.

Finally I put on a cute headband, bobby-pinned my bangs into place and hoped for the best.

Now I have learned my lesson, and the moral of the story is, most people don’t mess with their eyebrows in the middle of the night, and definitely shouldn’t.

I also learned that a lot of people laugh at other peoples misfortune, and I don’t mind if you laugh at mine! So I shaved my eyebrow off. So what? If you can smile and laugh about it, so can I.

It will grow back, right? Right guys? Please tell me it will!

Oh and another lesson? I like my eyebrows and probably won’t mess with them again.

Ah, who am I kidding? I probably will...

: )

~C~

Stuck in a Rut with a capital R!

Oh where oh where to even begin?? I am surprised I even remembered my user name and password to sign in here. It's been awhile, and I am feeling it. My thoughts are swirling, my head is spinning, my fingers are hitting the backspace key more than usual.


Life needs to slow down...


Does it ever, though? Those of you who have been around a few more years than me, can you honestly tell me that life does, indeed, slow down? Somehow I doubt it. I am desperate for a second to breathe, a second to laugh, a second to stop.


I left you readers on a cliff-hanger last week, right in the middle of the Big Move. The good news is that I have successfully moved on from Have-To to Want-To. The painting, cleaning, and packing (and even unpacking) is behind me, and now comes the task of putting the final lovely touches on my new home. It's coming together, and minus a few things, I am good to go. At the end of the day, I want to go home, which is really nice. I am loving the solitude, the quiet, the lack of expectations. Even though my former roomie was pretty chill, there was still the pressure of doing the dishes every second night and making sure the communal living space was top-notch. And not that I didn't enjoy that clean lifestyle, because I did and do, but now I can just kind of relax about it.


A very dear friend of mine from work and I have this thing going where we strive to avoid the word 'perfect'. Just yesterday we came up with an imaginary jar, and each time the word 'perfect' is uttered, we have to put in an imaginary 5cents. It's helping. Such a simple thing as that imaginary jar is having more influence in my life than any self-help book or counseling appointment has so far. I am tired of perfect, whatever that might be, and it is no longer a part of my life. My new house isn't and never will be perfect, much like my holistic self, and I am okay with that.


I promised you guys before, during, and after pictures of the past 2 weeks, which will come into fruition soon, hopefully. My beloved Mac was left accidentally in my Gramma's car last week. When I first discovered it was missing, I totally thought I would die without it and seriously considered driving all the way to White Rock to get it. But then I realized I hardly ever make the time to travel there to visit my own family, and it would be dumb to do that for a piece of machinery, so I left well enough alone. Much to my amazement, I have not yet died from lack of Internet (or cable for that matter), nor do I feel I am about to. Imagine, that, hey? The break has been nice.


On another note, I now have my bunny! Her name is Eden, and as we get to know each other I am realizing more and more how my aversion to animals was, in fact, just a bad attitude problem. She is a pet, yes, but she is like a little person too, with a personality and the ability to make me want to come home at the end of the day. I think having her is going to be really, really good for me. Pictures of her to come! Two other friends have gotten bunnies this week, too, so we will have like a sad little playgroup or something. : )
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And that Rut I was talking about? Well, I know for a fact that I am not the only one feeling that way. It's like I have forgotten how to take care of myself. I am down, I am not feeling the greatest, I am waiting for each day to end. And that is not how life should look.
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So...let's take our vitamins (Flintstones chewables rock!). Let's go for a walk, even if it is raining. Let's go to bed on time. Let's think of 3 good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. Let's be real with each other. Let's tell Perfect to go to hell. Let's breathe deeper.

Ahh....I am feeling better already. Time to start the uphill trek once again, my friends. I have had enough with the downhill. Have you?

.

~C~

Moving Is HIGHLY Overrated!

Hi all! Before I get to the heart of this post, I would like to apologize for the lack of writing lately. I'm maxed out time wise, but trust me, my mind is bursting with things to share; anecdotes about the past few days, thoughts surrounding bulimia and high-stress situations, family matters, work stuff. But for now I am doing the best I can...I am breathing in and out (um, kind of) and I am trying to take care of business. His Heart, My Song, has NOT taken a backseat to everything else that has been going on in my life, but I want to give my posts the time and attention they deserve. I don't want to waste your time with fluff, especially because so many of you out there are fantastically loyal. So thanks for hangin' in there. Just give me another week or so!

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Alrighty, first of all, let me just be super honest here: I. Am. Stressed. I'm really not a huge fan of whiners and complainers, but seriously people, I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. My back feels like it will snap in half should I pick up even a pencil. I stare at castle-like towers of boxes (what the heck is in them, anyways?!) and cringe at the thought of moving them to a new house. My thigh muscles are pulsing with tension. If my arms could get up and walk away, they would. I don't want to see another paint roller or stand in another line at Walmart laden down with un-fun "necessities" like Magic Erasers and picture hangers...Only 1 more week.

Thanks for letting me whine...now onto the lessons. Oh yes, there is always a lesson...

I was hanging out on the website of a very beautiful lady who faces challenges each day, not unlike the ones you and I face. She has SUCH a good attitude and outlook on life, and often inspires me to get that chin of mine back up. Her post today hit the spot, and something she said totally resounded with me. If not for this little piece of wisdom today, I would not have been brave enough to share this falling-apartness with you guys. I would have probably told you that everything is great and I have got it all together!

I find it refreshing in this day and age that women are talking about their short-comings, their fears, their insecurities and maybe, just by doing so, we are empowering each other a little more. Accepting that we all do these things, feel these things, say these things and moving on together to overcome them.

We are not perfect. We are messy and complicated and creative and good and we try our best at so many different endeavors. And its this brew of wonderfulness that is indeed what makes us perfect.

Hmm...We are messy and complicated. Ain't that the truth. Last year I would never, ever have been able to admit that. I would have hid behind walls, put on a smiley face, sucked it up. But not anymore.

Last night I spent a few precious hours with my best friend in the world. Those moments are heartbreakingly few and far between. I had McDonalds bags strewn about my car, Tim Hortons cups galore. My hair looked like tiny little birdies had taken up residence in my grade-8-style 'messy bun'. My eyes were sunken in, my clothes dirty, my spirits low. But as she came in for the embrace, she totally, completely looked past that. She loves me unconditionally. And I let her in. Literally, into my far from completed new place, and figuratively into my soul. She told me that she feels like the only way she can tell lately what is going on in my life is by reading this blog, which is totally crazy. I really need to live what I preach. Hard as I try, I have realized I need to step it up once again and start living for these amazing relationships in my life. I have been blessed with friends who are family. And that is so great.

You girls know 100% who you are, and I want to thank you SO much for being my family. You are my world. I'm sorry I don't tell you that more.

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Moving update (sans whining and complaining!): This week has been a combination of deep cleaning, packing, painting, and moving boxes. The new house was dirty, dirty, dirty, and my lovely lung infection has returned with a vengeance. Friends have been over there this week painstakingly cleaning with me and for me, and I could not have handled that on my own. Painting is another story. Priming is never, ever fun, but painting hasn't been so bad. My hallways are Monica Geller inspired Arcadian Blue, and the living room and kitchen are a warm and cozy Urban Natural. Love. It. It's all starting to come together now. I have 6 nights left in Rockhill Place. Hannah asked me if I was sad about that. Honestly, haven't even thought about it. I'm sure I will be, yes, but right now it's the last thing on my mind.

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Some of you have been asking about my sleeping this past week. To my knowledge I have not left my bed once. They say that darkness fears the light, and I am so thankful that I shared with you what was going on. I feel like I exposed something that can't hide anymore. For you out there who have been praying, thank you. Really.

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Lastly, I want to share with you something that the most precious little girl said to me today. She was shining one of those obnoxious flashy light-stick things that you get at Playland at me for the longest time while I smiled at her politely and waited for her to move on. She slowly lowered it, came up right into my face and said, "Misses Sina...you're so, so beautiful". Oh heart of all hearts...she just knew what I needed to hear to instill enough confidence in me to complete this day. Thank you, little girl.

And now I say to you, my friend...You're so, so beautiful.

Happy Friday, everyone.

~C~

Honesty

I am super inspired right now. Usually I think of myself as fairly honest, especially in the past few years. Sometimes I make up some really good tall tales, though...I smile to myself as I remember the day I convinced my coworkers that one of the Russian figure skaters was mowed down in the ARC parking lot by the other pre-school teacher and couldn't compete in the winter games. Sometimes, just sometimes, you really can't believe what I say. But when it comes to real lying, life becomes really, really tricky. I have had my share of complicated lies surrounding my eating disorder, but part of giving that up has involved me learning to be honest in all areas of my life. But this week I was totally caught off guard by a friend of mine and have learned a valuable lesson about the truth.

(as usual, names have been changed)

I went out for coffee with Mariah and her cute little kids this week. We met at McDonald's and let the little ones play while we visited and caught up. It was great to see her. Once the kids started to wind down, she packed them up and we said goodbye and went our own ways. The next morning I got an early phone call. Mariah was on the other end and sounded very upset. Naturally my first thought was that one of the kids was sick or hurt or that there was an emergency. So my heart started pounding. But once she started talking I started to smile...She was apologizing from the bottom of her heart for something she had said the day before that wasn't quite honest. To me it wasn't a big deal what she had said. It doesn't even matter what it was exactly. But I was totally, 100% touched by her apology and the fact that she was asking forgiveness from me for the sake of moral and good conscience. It reminded me of a time when we didn't know what lying was. We were only 1 or 2 years old at the time, but we only knew how to tell the truth. How refreshing, relieving, and simple life must have been, hey? It seems so pure to me.

For the record, Mariah was beyond "forgiven". I put that word in quotation marks because it wasn't necessary in my opinion, but for her, saying sorry was something she just needed to do in order to sleep well. She isn't a child, but she has the heart of one; she wants to be pure and real and would never want to hurt somebody. That is beautiful. Totally inspiring and challenging.

I know I have already committed to you guys to always be honest when you ask me how I am, but I am going to take it a step further and be as honest as possible as a new challenge. And I challenge you to do the same. It will be hard work, but maybe one day it will come naturally. I can't promise to stop telling tall tales though. You guys like it, anyways. Keeps things interesting, right?! ; )

Have a wonderful week everybody. Hope you're feeling cozy warm amongst the pouring rain that has drenched BC today.

~C~

The On-Set of a Set-Back

I can't say that my life has been overly stressful these last few months. Sure, we all hit those jolting bumps in the road that make us want to quit this game called life and run away, but on a stress scale from 1-10, I would say I have been averaging 2-6. (For the record, spring break tipped the scales). I know I am fortunate.

I've talked a bit about how boredom and loneliness have, in the past, triggered my need to control what I eat, when I eat it, and if I keep it down. One more thing, though? S.T.R.E.S.S. Big Time. I could probably eat a house or a horse on those days where stress hormones invade my blood stream.

Here is what is going to happen in my life in the next 5 weeks: First, I will need to wrap up the Summer 2010 planning I have been doing for the past month as a specialty camp coordinator for the City of Abbotsford. This needs to be signed and sealed by Friday. Then I will work all weekend. Then I will leave for California (!) next week and RELAX! Then I will come back to B.C., pack up my precious, beloved home, bid Tanya goodbye and move out. Where? I haven't got my ducks in a row yet, but things are working out so far and I have a couple leads.

The fact that I don't know where I am going to live is something that would have pushed me over the edge at any point in the past few years. I am a planner, and I like life to be organized and predictable. When I face challenges, such as putting my trust and faith into something that I can't see, you could say that some internal freaking out occurs. I like to pretend that I am calm and have everything under control, but the pounding head aches and sleepless night attest to the opposite.

Bulimia is a very manipulative, controlling disorder, and I used to rely on it as a coping mechanism to get me through stressful times. So what does the new-and-improved Christina do for the next 5 weeks as I search for a safe, clean and quiet home in which to dwell? Well, I will keep focused on the positive things in life. I will smile often and listen to my summer playlist on iTunes. I will get plenty of sleep and make quiet time a priority. Instead of binging, I will go to the market and choose the brightest, juiciest, most colourful fruit and go crazy eating it. Instead of throwing up I will continue training to run further, faster, and harder. And lastly, instead of just plain old worrying, I will exercise blind faith and anticipate the story this will turn into. Because the bottom line is, I won't be homeless.

I'm not one to be doling out advice on trust and stress, but it would be kind of cool if we could all try letting go of something in our lives that is weighing us down. I don't know what that would look like for you, but for me it is learning that worry is useless and wasteful in times like these.

My fellow British Columbians...how GREAT was the 2o degree weather today? Now that in itself is something to smile about! Summer is just around the bend, my friends!

~C~

The Heart of the Matter

I was so unique

Now I feel skin deep

I count on the make-up to cover it all

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?

I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful

Make you stand in awe

Look inside my heart,

and be amazed

I want to hear you say

Who I am is quite enough

Just want to be worthy of love

And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me

Fighting to make the mirror happy

Trying to find whatever is missing

Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful

You make me stand in awe

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed

I love to hear You say

Who I am is quite enough

You make me worthy of love and beautiful

It’s unusual to begin a post with song lyrics, but I didn’t know where else to start. Because this song (by Bethany Dillon) pretty much sums up the heart of the matter in my life. Yes, there are deeply rooted issues that have played a role in my eating disorder, but when it comes down to it, don’t we all just want to be beautiful?

It was nice to be so confident in myself for all those years. To leave the house wearing overalls at 16 years old with a purple shirt underneath and hair that hadn’t been flat-ironed to death was sweet bliss. I don’t really know when it was when I first felt ugly, but it sure left an impression. Maybe it was the fact that as we all started to grow up, I realized more and more that my average looking girl friends were starting to grow into these beautiful, radiant, self-sufficient women. And perhaps the same was happening within me, but I couldn’t see that. All I could see was the super models I was going out for coffee with.

From 2004 on I started spending a lot of time in California, and that in itself played quite a role in my self-esteem. The O.C.? It isn’t a joke! It’s real! Barbie and Ken exist in the flesh. They are everywhere. I would look in the mirror in some bathroom on Laguna Beach and I wouldn’t even see Skipper. Or Stacey. Or Kelly. I just saw...someone that I didn’t like.

I went through an incredibly awkward stage where I began experimenting with fashion. Most girls go through this somewhere between 11 and 14, but I was a 19 year old without a clue. It wasn’t pretty. I guess today I am still kind of clueless, but I would like to think that I have settled into my style. I like the Gap and Joe, and I like leaving the house looking clean and tidy. I always know that it is time to pick up the slack on my appearance when people start asking me if I am feeling okay!

We all want to be beautiful, right? And I think we all go through different methods to get there. Some of us spend lots of money on make-up and hair products. Some of buy fancy clothes and jewelry. Some of us start throwing up in order to lose weight. Some of us stop eating all together. Other than hurting yourself or others to look good, I think it is pretty normal and can be respectable to want to be your best.

It’s no secret that beauty comes from within. For all the hard work and sweat and tears (literally) that we put into looking beautiful, it would probably be a good idea to start working on the inside, too. Maybe if we all forgave a little more, laughed a little harder, sang a little louder, and thought a little deeper we could all begin to shine.

Here is to a bright and beautiful week, my friends. : )

~C~

Set-Backs

Today was one of those days. I am not PMSing, I am pretty much over that crappy flu that just hit Abbotsford, no one close to me is giving me grief. So why am I in such a bad mood today? Yesterday was SUCH a high, and everybody knows what I am talking about. That was the most exciting hockey game ever, and I was SO thankful to be working LiveSite and experiencing that with my whole community. Not that it hasn't been said enough times already, but seriously, GO CANADA GO! All of the energy and euphoria I was feeling yesterday has left me; drained out of some slow leak somewhere between my heart and mind, and I am just kinda sad. Is it because the Olympics are over? Is it because less cars today were sporting those awesome Canada flag window things? Is it because I am stressed?

I spent today with more than 40 campers, leading morning preschool camps and then heading over to the Fun Factory to take the older kids swimming for a few hours. Anyone who has worked with camps knows that it is exhausting and of course I shouldn't be surprised at how tired I feel. When I got home tonight all I wanted to do was eat. Anything and everything. It is absolutely crazy how quickly our minds shift into reverse and allow for these old thought patterns to emerge.

Tonight's thought patterns went something like this: I get home from camp, dump my backpack full of my soggy towel and bathing suit on my bed, and head to the kitchen. I am greeted warmly by my sweet house mate and asked if anything exciting happened today. I reply in a gruff voice, and tell her my woes. I start to make dinner. And all of a sudden my appetite is insatiable. I am hungry and stressed and have said To Hell With It! regarding my "healthy life-style choices". The voices come back, taunting me, saying, Who Cares! Eat! So I make this meal, right? Oven baked french fries from fresh potatoes and a chicken cutlet. Then I start to eat candy that has been stashed in my pantry for months. Then I feel like having those stale cheesies in the cupboard. And I don't know why I am eating all this. And I also don't know why I feel so guilty. Yep, probably could have done without the crap and all that, but seriously, right now I feel like a failure with a capital F and this is why I have struggled so bad in the past. Because last year I would have found it perfectly acceptable to relieve that guilt. I would not have been lying in bed blogging waiting for this sick feeling to pass. I would not have cared.

But tonight I do care, because I made myself a promise knowing full well that this journey was full of set-backs and struggles and good choices and bad choices. And tonight I do not love myself any less for eating candy and cheesies. It is actually laughable, thinking that someone would be unloved for that, hey? What a crazy world this is sometimes.

Friends, I hope that as you lay your head down tonight you can let go of something you've been holding onto. Forgive yourself or someone you love and sleep well. And as always, thank you for listening. XOXO

~C~

"Yes, I'm Fine"

I have thrown embarrassment, discretion, shame, and fear to the wind. I have decided to be blunt, frank, and honest here, which is why I want to talk about what it is like to hide such a huge secret from the world. What do you say when you emerge from the ladies room of your favorite restaurant with blood-shot eyes, struggling to catch your breath? How do you explain teeth marks in your hands? How do you face a dentist and cry to him/her about your eroding molars? I suppose there is no easy answer, is there? My answer? Pretty freaking universal...it goes something like this:

F (for Friend): Chris, are you okay?

C: Oh yeah, totally. I'm just not feeling very well these days.

F: Really? What's wrong?

C: Oh, you know. Whatever's going around, I suppose.

F: You sure you're okay?

C: I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

What's up with this culture anyways? Who invented the word 'fine'? Because at what point is that word actually applicable? Your dog just died, and yet you are fine. You just lost your job, but, thank goodness, you're fine. You're sick, you're tired, you're dying, you're injured, you're broke, but you are telling me you're fine. What a lie! What an acceptable, common, overused, overplayed, huge, big fat lie. I had tears streaming down my face, bent over a toilet bowl, and came out of that bathroom and told you I am fine. I cried myself to sleep and convinced myself I was not good enough, and I told you I am fine. That isn't fine. That is wrong. And I am sorry. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for lying. I wont tell you anymore that I am fine. If you ask, I will tell you the truth.

Anyways, back to the business of hiding big secrets. It's easier than you think, and it is harder than it looks. It's a contradiction, yes. But it's true. I cant believe I got away with what I did for so long. I had 3 or 4 different jobs over those years, lived in 2 different countries, engaged in deep and meaningful relationships with family and friends, all the while hiding my secret. On the other hand, it was hard to lie to people. It was hard to hurt and have no outlet, especially those years where I refused to even journal about my struggles. It was hard to feel so incomplete.

Of course, now that the shoe is on the other foot and I am learning what recovery looks like, things are not automatically easier. It is still hard, because I am trying very hard to love myself with the same acceptance that I love others. It is hard to make bad choices and not have a way to so convieniently "get rid of" the problem. But you know what? It is all a small price to pay for freedom. Life isnt easy, but it is easier. Eating a meal without feeling guilt? Amazing! Going 6 months without the lies and shame and guilt? So relieving. I could easily end this post by saying, "Yes, people, I'm fine". But I wont. Instead, I will tell you, "I'm free".

~C~