I have thrown embarrassment, discretion, shame, and fear to the wind. I have decided to be blunt, frank, and honest here, which is why I want to talk about what it is like to hide such a huge secret from the world. What do you say when you emerge from the ladies room of your favorite restaurant with blood-shot eyes, struggling to catch your breath? How do you explain teeth marks in your hands? How do you face a dentist and cry to him/her about your eroding molars? I suppose there is no easy answer, is there? My answer? Pretty freaking universal...it goes something like this:
F (for Friend): Chris, are you okay?
C: Oh yeah, totally. I'm just not feeling very well these days.
F: Really? What's wrong?
C: Oh, you know. Whatever's going around, I suppose.
F: You sure you're okay?
C: I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
What's up with this culture anyways? Who invented the word 'fine'? Because at what point is that word actually applicable? Your dog just died, and yet you are fine. You just lost your job, but, thank goodness, you're fine. You're sick, you're tired, you're dying, you're injured, you're broke, but you are telling me you're fine. What a lie! What an acceptable, common, overused, overplayed, huge, big fat lie. I had tears streaming down my face, bent over a toilet bowl, and came out of that bathroom and told you I am fine. I cried myself to sleep and convinced myself I was not good enough, and I told you I am fine. That isn't fine. That is wrong. And I am sorry. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for lying. I wont tell you anymore that I am fine. If you ask, I will tell you the truth.
Anyways, back to the business of hiding big secrets. It's easier than you think, and it is harder than it looks. It's a contradiction, yes. But it's true. I cant believe I got away with what I did for so long. I had 3 or 4 different jobs over those years, lived in 2 different countries, engaged in deep and meaningful relationships with family and friends, all the while hiding my secret. On the other hand, it was hard to lie to people. It was hard to hurt and have no outlet, especially those years where I refused to even journal about my struggles. It was hard to feel so incomplete.
Of course, now that the shoe is on the other foot and I am learning what recovery looks like, things are not automatically easier. It is still hard, because I am trying very hard to love myself with the same acceptance that I love others. It is hard to make bad choices and not have a way to so convieniently "get rid of" the problem. But you know what? It is all a small price to pay for freedom. Life isnt easy, but it is easier. Eating a meal without feeling guilt? Amazing! Going 6 months without the lies and shame and guilt? So relieving. I could easily end this post by saying, "Yes, people, I'm fine". But I wont. Instead, I will tell you, "I'm free".
~C~
