The past 183 days have been tricky. It has been a roller coaster ride (wow, totally over-used metaphor!) and it hasn't been easy. I actually can't define for you what made me stop this time, how it was different from the countless other occasions in which I vowed to change my way of life. And to you faithful readers, you WILL be hearing about those countless other occasions. ; ) All I can tell you today is that it IS different. I have felt it in my heart, in my spirit, in my soul for a long time now.
I was going to hold off on this story for a later date, towards the end of my adventures in blogging, but I think I am going to go ahead and tell you about August 18th, 2009. I have a beautiful friend named Tamara who came into my life in a very quick, real, and random way last spring. We knew each other a total of about 45 minutes before we made coffee plans. And about 20 minutes into our coffee date, it was decided that she would be staying with me for an indefinite amount of time. It was an answer to prayer. I needed her in my life. She needed me in hers. I had no idea at that point though how badly I needed her. I was just pretty thrilled to get to know her. Our friendship solidified and we bonded over some chaotic moments while she packed to go tree planting and I prepared for a summer of leading thousands of little monkeys through camp. All too soon, Tamara left for Northern Alberta to plant the trees that are currently providing us with crisp, clean oxygen.
While she was away, I turned 25. It felt to me like all the years leading up to 25 were my "kid years", and that was my #1 excuse for having an eating disorder. Before my birthday, I decided I would really, really, really try this time to stop. Unfortunately, that didn't exactly happen and I struggled through the summer. I actually think that summer was one of the lowest points for me. I was in great pain and did my best to hide that as I went about the bright, sunny days trying to enjoy the wonders of July and August in British Columbia. But I can see now that I had to feel that pain. I had to really want it to go away. And I knew exactly how to make a change. I was just too scared, though.
To my great delight, Tamara returned to me on August 18th, 2009. 183 days ago. When I met her at the airport, it was like welcoming home a sister. As we attempted to put a dent in all the catching up we had to do, a knot started to form in my stomach. We were busy discussing the inevitable summer flings, the most dominant bits and pieces of news, and it hit me: I had to tell this girl my secret. That night we collapsed, exhausted, on my bed (the comfiest, softest, most snugly bed in the world) and all the good stuff started to come out. It was like we had to muddle through the 'news' before we could discuss our hearts. I was shaking, but it wasn't as if this was the first time I had made this particular confession. On the contrary, it was probably the hundredth (or something like that). But like I said before, something was just different: I was finally ready. One of us cried. Maybe we both did. The details are blurry. But I do remember being curled up in a little ball, feeling safe and accepted and loved. And do you know what else? I felt secure. That was something I hadn't felt in a long, long time. She played with my hair. She rubbed my back. She told me some struggles of her own, and drove home the point that we are all in this together. I was no longer alone.
2 or 3 days later I almost fell off the wagon. I was feeling ridiculously guilty for going with Tamara to McDonald's. I had promised to tell her if and when I felt like throwing up, so I awkwardly blurted it out as we got back to my house. She marched me to my bed, made me get under the covers (even though August was boiling hot!) and she sat beside me and prayed for me. For strength. For love. For hope. And then she told me, "You. Don't even think about getting out of this bed until you KNOW you are not going to throw up. Stay. Here." And like an obedient child, I did. And to throw in another cliche, the rest is history!
The past 183 days have been hard, but that is a story for another time. For now, I am celebrating my success. It may be even more exciting than the 2010 Winter Games (although I am pretty excited about that, too!).
I visited New York in 2005 and fell in love with the musical 'Wicked'. Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, is my favorite character, and she is quite inspiring! While speaking (singing!) to Glinda, the Good Witch, she proclaims this:
Something has changed within me. Something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second-guessing. Too late to go back to sleep.
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!
It's time to try defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity.
And you can't pull me down!
(Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur)
I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy defying gravity.
Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity.
And you can't pull me down!
~C~
