Stuck in a Rut with a capital R!

Oh where oh where to even begin?? I am surprised I even remembered my user name and password to sign in here. It's been awhile, and I am feeling it. My thoughts are swirling, my head is spinning, my fingers are hitting the backspace key more than usual.


Life needs to slow down...


Does it ever, though? Those of you who have been around a few more years than me, can you honestly tell me that life does, indeed, slow down? Somehow I doubt it. I am desperate for a second to breathe, a second to laugh, a second to stop.


I left you readers on a cliff-hanger last week, right in the middle of the Big Move. The good news is that I have successfully moved on from Have-To to Want-To. The painting, cleaning, and packing (and even unpacking) is behind me, and now comes the task of putting the final lovely touches on my new home. It's coming together, and minus a few things, I am good to go. At the end of the day, I want to go home, which is really nice. I am loving the solitude, the quiet, the lack of expectations. Even though my former roomie was pretty chill, there was still the pressure of doing the dishes every second night and making sure the communal living space was top-notch. And not that I didn't enjoy that clean lifestyle, because I did and do, but now I can just kind of relax about it.


A very dear friend of mine from work and I have this thing going where we strive to avoid the word 'perfect'. Just yesterday we came up with an imaginary jar, and each time the word 'perfect' is uttered, we have to put in an imaginary 5cents. It's helping. Such a simple thing as that imaginary jar is having more influence in my life than any self-help book or counseling appointment has so far. I am tired of perfect, whatever that might be, and it is no longer a part of my life. My new house isn't and never will be perfect, much like my holistic self, and I am okay with that.


I promised you guys before, during, and after pictures of the past 2 weeks, which will come into fruition soon, hopefully. My beloved Mac was left accidentally in my Gramma's car last week. When I first discovered it was missing, I totally thought I would die without it and seriously considered driving all the way to White Rock to get it. But then I realized I hardly ever make the time to travel there to visit my own family, and it would be dumb to do that for a piece of machinery, so I left well enough alone. Much to my amazement, I have not yet died from lack of Internet (or cable for that matter), nor do I feel I am about to. Imagine, that, hey? The break has been nice.


On another note, I now have my bunny! Her name is Eden, and as we get to know each other I am realizing more and more how my aversion to animals was, in fact, just a bad attitude problem. She is a pet, yes, but she is like a little person too, with a personality and the ability to make me want to come home at the end of the day. I think having her is going to be really, really good for me. Pictures of her to come! Two other friends have gotten bunnies this week, too, so we will have like a sad little playgroup or something. : )
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And that Rut I was talking about? Well, I know for a fact that I am not the only one feeling that way. It's like I have forgotten how to take care of myself. I am down, I am not feeling the greatest, I am waiting for each day to end. And that is not how life should look.
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So...let's take our vitamins (Flintstones chewables rock!). Let's go for a walk, even if it is raining. Let's go to bed on time. Let's think of 3 good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. Let's be real with each other. Let's tell Perfect to go to hell. Let's breathe deeper.

Ahh....I am feeling better already. Time to start the uphill trek once again, my friends. I have had enough with the downhill. Have you?

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~C~

Moving Is HIGHLY Overrated!

Hi all! Before I get to the heart of this post, I would like to apologize for the lack of writing lately. I'm maxed out time wise, but trust me, my mind is bursting with things to share; anecdotes about the past few days, thoughts surrounding bulimia and high-stress situations, family matters, work stuff. But for now I am doing the best I can...I am breathing in and out (um, kind of) and I am trying to take care of business. His Heart, My Song, has NOT taken a backseat to everything else that has been going on in my life, but I want to give my posts the time and attention they deserve. I don't want to waste your time with fluff, especially because so many of you out there are fantastically loyal. So thanks for hangin' in there. Just give me another week or so!

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Alrighty, first of all, let me just be super honest here: I. Am. Stressed. I'm really not a huge fan of whiners and complainers, but seriously people, I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. My back feels like it will snap in half should I pick up even a pencil. I stare at castle-like towers of boxes (what the heck is in them, anyways?!) and cringe at the thought of moving them to a new house. My thigh muscles are pulsing with tension. If my arms could get up and walk away, they would. I don't want to see another paint roller or stand in another line at Walmart laden down with un-fun "necessities" like Magic Erasers and picture hangers...Only 1 more week.

Thanks for letting me whine...now onto the lessons. Oh yes, there is always a lesson...

I was hanging out on the website of a very beautiful lady who faces challenges each day, not unlike the ones you and I face. She has SUCH a good attitude and outlook on life, and often inspires me to get that chin of mine back up. Her post today hit the spot, and something she said totally resounded with me. If not for this little piece of wisdom today, I would not have been brave enough to share this falling-apartness with you guys. I would have probably told you that everything is great and I have got it all together!

I find it refreshing in this day and age that women are talking about their short-comings, their fears, their insecurities and maybe, just by doing so, we are empowering each other a little more. Accepting that we all do these things, feel these things, say these things and moving on together to overcome them.

We are not perfect. We are messy and complicated and creative and good and we try our best at so many different endeavors. And its this brew of wonderfulness that is indeed what makes us perfect.

Hmm...We are messy and complicated. Ain't that the truth. Last year I would never, ever have been able to admit that. I would have hid behind walls, put on a smiley face, sucked it up. But not anymore.

Last night I spent a few precious hours with my best friend in the world. Those moments are heartbreakingly few and far between. I had McDonalds bags strewn about my car, Tim Hortons cups galore. My hair looked like tiny little birdies had taken up residence in my grade-8-style 'messy bun'. My eyes were sunken in, my clothes dirty, my spirits low. But as she came in for the embrace, she totally, completely looked past that. She loves me unconditionally. And I let her in. Literally, into my far from completed new place, and figuratively into my soul. She told me that she feels like the only way she can tell lately what is going on in my life is by reading this blog, which is totally crazy. I really need to live what I preach. Hard as I try, I have realized I need to step it up once again and start living for these amazing relationships in my life. I have been blessed with friends who are family. And that is so great.

You girls know 100% who you are, and I want to thank you SO much for being my family. You are my world. I'm sorry I don't tell you that more.

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Moving update (sans whining and complaining!): This week has been a combination of deep cleaning, packing, painting, and moving boxes. The new house was dirty, dirty, dirty, and my lovely lung infection has returned with a vengeance. Friends have been over there this week painstakingly cleaning with me and for me, and I could not have handled that on my own. Painting is another story. Priming is never, ever fun, but painting hasn't been so bad. My hallways are Monica Geller inspired Arcadian Blue, and the living room and kitchen are a warm and cozy Urban Natural. Love. It. It's all starting to come together now. I have 6 nights left in Rockhill Place. Hannah asked me if I was sad about that. Honestly, haven't even thought about it. I'm sure I will be, yes, but right now it's the last thing on my mind.

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Some of you have been asking about my sleeping this past week. To my knowledge I have not left my bed once. They say that darkness fears the light, and I am so thankful that I shared with you what was going on. I feel like I exposed something that can't hide anymore. For you out there who have been praying, thank you. Really.

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Lastly, I want to share with you something that the most precious little girl said to me today. She was shining one of those obnoxious flashy light-stick things that you get at Playland at me for the longest time while I smiled at her politely and waited for her to move on. She slowly lowered it, came up right into my face and said, "Misses Sina...you're so, so beautiful". Oh heart of all hearts...she just knew what I needed to hear to instill enough confidence in me to complete this day. Thank you, little girl.

And now I say to you, my friend...You're so, so beautiful.

Happy Friday, everyone.

~C~

The On-Set of a Set-Back

I can't say that my life has been overly stressful these last few months. Sure, we all hit those jolting bumps in the road that make us want to quit this game called life and run away, but on a stress scale from 1-10, I would say I have been averaging 2-6. (For the record, spring break tipped the scales). I know I am fortunate.

I've talked a bit about how boredom and loneliness have, in the past, triggered my need to control what I eat, when I eat it, and if I keep it down. One more thing, though? S.T.R.E.S.S. Big Time. I could probably eat a house or a horse on those days where stress hormones invade my blood stream.

Here is what is going to happen in my life in the next 5 weeks: First, I will need to wrap up the Summer 2010 planning I have been doing for the past month as a specialty camp coordinator for the City of Abbotsford. This needs to be signed and sealed by Friday. Then I will work all weekend. Then I will leave for California (!) next week and RELAX! Then I will come back to B.C., pack up my precious, beloved home, bid Tanya goodbye and move out. Where? I haven't got my ducks in a row yet, but things are working out so far and I have a couple leads.

The fact that I don't know where I am going to live is something that would have pushed me over the edge at any point in the past few years. I am a planner, and I like life to be organized and predictable. When I face challenges, such as putting my trust and faith into something that I can't see, you could say that some internal freaking out occurs. I like to pretend that I am calm and have everything under control, but the pounding head aches and sleepless night attest to the opposite.

Bulimia is a very manipulative, controlling disorder, and I used to rely on it as a coping mechanism to get me through stressful times. So what does the new-and-improved Christina do for the next 5 weeks as I search for a safe, clean and quiet home in which to dwell? Well, I will keep focused on the positive things in life. I will smile often and listen to my summer playlist on iTunes. I will get plenty of sleep and make quiet time a priority. Instead of binging, I will go to the market and choose the brightest, juiciest, most colourful fruit and go crazy eating it. Instead of throwing up I will continue training to run further, faster, and harder. And lastly, instead of just plain old worrying, I will exercise blind faith and anticipate the story this will turn into. Because the bottom line is, I won't be homeless.

I'm not one to be doling out advice on trust and stress, but it would be kind of cool if we could all try letting go of something in our lives that is weighing us down. I don't know what that would look like for you, but for me it is learning that worry is useless and wasteful in times like these.

My fellow British Columbians...how GREAT was the 2o degree weather today? Now that in itself is something to smile about! Summer is just around the bend, my friends!

~C~