I used to really, really fear God. And my parents. And my teachers. And my leaders. And it is because for most of my life, I did not understand the difference between consequences and punishment. Up until a few years ago, I thought they were the same thing. You do something wrong, you get punished. I was frequently grounded as a teenager for the usual kid stuff; the breaking curfew and having a bad attitude kind of thing, and I do believe that getting grounded is a punishment. However, getting charged interest on a credit card you never pay off is not exactly a punishment at that point; it becomes a consequence. For the last few years as I have dug a little deeper into my psyche, I have come to learn that I don’t like consequence OR punishment. And who can blame me? I bet you don’t either.
My housemate is a pretty neat girl. I am really, really blessed to have lived with her for the past 24 months. In all our time living together and being friends, we have only had one “fight”. And it wasn’t even a fight. It was her disagreeing with me. To make a long story short, I had made plans with my Lama for the following day, and my Lama kind of bailed. I am sure she had a good reason, like gardening or pressure washing or something, but I took it personally and was really bummed. Tanya had overheard my conversation and came into my room after and asked me what was wrong. When I told her Lama bailed on me, she reminded me that I had kind of bailed on someone that very night. That was pretty embarrassing. It opened this whole can of worms, and my housemate proceeded to remind me of all the times I start something and don’t finish or duck out of consequences. I was kind of mad at her, but the wheels started turning.
Later that week I was visiting a couple in my church who are very, very dear to me. They have walked me through some yucky things in life and know me quite well, so I asked them if what my housemate said about me is accurate. They said...yes.
I have come to learn that bulimics are often like this; we are experts at avoiding consequences and punishment. Here is a good example: We indulge ourselves, overeat, and soon after become fearful of becoming fat. Instead of accepting that, we throw up to avoid the weight-gain, therefore avoiding the consequence. And since we are also afraid of punishment, we hide our behavior from others. It is a horrible, unsettling, tricky cycle.
When I first started blogging I mentioned freedom a few times. I know this sounds weird, but it has been so wonderful learning how to accept consequences these past few months. Realizing that I can forgive myself for making mistakes instead of frantically trying to “undo” them is such a relief. I am not scared of cheese cake anymore. Or popcorn. This freedom has even followed me into the workplace, and if my boss asks to speaks to me, I am not scared anymore of getting fired. I have learned that making mistakes makes me human, and with certain choices comes consequence. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I am beginning to see that we cannot grow without being corrected sometimes, and I am just grateful that I have people in my life who care enough about me to help me break out of the cocoon I spent years building. I am learning to fly.
~C~
