It is a question I have always struggled with. There is no obvious way to answer it, yet there are millions and trillions of options and opinions. In the fall I was taking advantage of the free counselling services at my university, and after a few weeks of getting some good, solid advice from "Hillary" pertaining to my future plans and my current life in general, we tackled some deeper issues. Hillary can see right through my "I've Got This All Figured Out" act, and she recognizes that really, I am an over-achiever and afraid to fail. She asked me some hard questions. Questions no one has ever really asked me before. It was hard work to think about some of the things we talked about, and eventually I got kind of frustrated. She would ask me things about how I deal with anger and how I saw myself in certain situations and what I would say to a certain person had they been sitting in the room with us. And I usually drifted in the direction of sugar-coating my answers, until Hillary would pull me back and remind me that there was no danger of being "in trouble" for being real.
One day I came armed with a question of my own. To me it was a totally valid question, but it was the only thing I ever asked Hillary that she didn't know how to answer. When I had taken off my coat and settled in she asked me what was on my mind, and I said, "Hillary, if I could ask God one question today and have it be answered totally audibly with no hidden meaning or parables or indirect wisdom, I would want to be told exactly who I am". I sat back, crossed my arms, and waited for the brilliance to come pouring out of her mouth. But it didn't. She looked at me quietly, her steaming cup of lemon tea between us, the soft light from her lamp brightening her eyes, and she very gently replied, "Why do you feel that is so important to you to know?". I was kind of shocked. All I wanted here was some way to get my wish. I guess it isn't that simple though.
She sent me on my way an hour later with a lined piece of paper that was blank all but for the words, "Why do I need to know who I am?". And this is what I wrote:
Because I am used to believing in who I am not. (like fat, ugly, childish, etc..)
Because I want to accept myself for who I am.
If someone asked you, "Who is Christina Marand", some of you would say I am your friend. Some would say I am that girl who works with the kids at ARC. Some would say I am nice. Or sweet. Or funny. A few of you out there would tell them I am your sister. Two of you would say I am your aunt. Some would say I am a child of God. Or a princess. Or a drama queen.
Albert Einstein once said, "I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination". But really, I just like the part that says, "I am enough". I will continue to accept myself for who I am. I will continue to love me for me.
During my time in South Africa, I lived in the province in which Nelson Mandela was arrested for being an anti-apartheid activist. The province is called Kwa'Zulu Natal, and he was arrested in the Midland Meander, which was close to 30 minutes from my home. Not only did I visit the place where he was arrested, but I also worked in a school called Gateway Christian Academy, which was formerly the jail that Mandela was taken to following his arrest. I became a bit fascinated by the heart and soul of this brave man. I wanted to share that bit of background with you before I share one of his masterpieces. It is a quote that causes a paradigm shift in me each time I read it. It calms, if even for a moment, the "who I am" storm that wells up in me. So without further ado...
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
*Bold print mine
Enjoy the rest of your week, everyone. : )
~C~
