C.H.A.N.G.E.S.

Hello to all my ever-so-faithful followers, friends and family. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me and for encouraging me to keep on writing, even when I have felt that I was reaching no one.

His Heart, My Song has been an awesome adventure, but my time on blogger has come to a close. Please visit my new site (link below) to keep up with the ebb and flow that recovery from an eating disorder brings.

Thanks for sticking with me!

~C

christinachantal.net

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R n' R

Isn't it amazing how 2 days can seem like 10, and at the same time those exact 2 days can seem like a split second? That's what my weekend was all about. Moments that both lasted an eternity and ended in the blink of an eye all at once. I could cry thinking about it; about how nothing and everything happened that brought me back to this place of peace.

My dear friend (who you will remember from this post and who's blog you can check out here) and I decided weeks ago that enough was enough and a road trip/get-away/girls-only weekend was in order. How badly I needed such an escape was beyond me at the time, but I'm so glad there is someone out there who knows our every need before even we do.

A little glimpse of our weekend in pictures...

Best Western in Pioneer Square---highly recommend this hotel! Ocean view AND city 'scape.

We like being 5...

Brian MAY have some competition on his hands...

It wasn't her birthday. Haha.

Bye bye Ocean

YES I am wearing two pairs of glasses. I'm cool like that. Few can pull it off.

Only in America, folks. Only in America.

And so we arrive home. Slightly poorer, slightly unhealthier, but SO very relaxed, and so very ALIVE!

I don't need to get into the whole shpeel with you guys about the importance of 'me time', do I? You all surely know how imperative it is to our mental and emotional health as women-who-do-too-much to just hit the open road and say to hell with it all once in awhile? Just to drive the point home, though: DO IT. Drive away. Yes, your life is going to be waiting for you when you get back, but take a little breather. Pray for nice weather. Or don't. Stay locked in your hotel room. We did that, too.

Strangely, one of the best parts about this weekend was being with someone I don't feel the need to be polite to. Does that make sense or just sound harsh? I guess what I mean is that this girl and I can seriously just let it all hang out when we're around each other. There is no faking it, no false front. And sometimes it is REALLY nice to just be not-polite. I was trying to pay for something yesterday, and without even thinking about it I demanded that she give me a dollar.Demanded. And without even blinking she did. So great to have friends like that, isn't it?

Plan something. I dare you. And then go. Even when, like me, you have bills to pay and homework that is due mere days after you get home. Go because it will be worth it, even if and when things go wrong like flat tires or empty gas tanks. It will be okay because it always is, and things are so much funnier when you are stuck on the side of the road with a good friend who will laugh with you. And when you get back make sure you tell me all about it, okay? Or better yet, take me with you!

~C

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn

It's a little bit early to be writing this, as I was thinking I would wait till maybe March or April. But what the hay?

After I wrote the S.A.D. post, I got some amazing feedback from you guys out there. Some of you can relate all too well to what I'm going through which is comforting, but also too bad. I'm sorry so many of you are sad right now. But the general theme in regards to the feedback I received was that there is HOPE! Spring, though far away as it may seem, is actually right around the corner. Last night Brian and I took a nice, long, brisk walk for the first time in 2011, and I was actually peeling back layers instead of shivering my butt off. And today I left my coat in the car when I went to get groceries. It's a miracle, people!

I don't read my bible enough, even nearly enough, but my favourite part is the when it talks about seasons changing. Even you non-bible reading people out there will be familiar with what I am talking about, because in 1959 The Byrds came out with a super catchy song that is entirely based on the book of Ecclesiastes. You can check it out here if you want.

My favourite part?

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together

Things at work are going really well at the moment, and without using any words I think the girls and I are realizing that we go through seasons as a team, too. Things aren't the same 2 months in a row, and that's okay. My chin is up, my game is on. We're in the home stretch now; less than 5 months to go. These kids are going to learn their ABC's and 123's whether they like it or not! ; )

My family is experiencing a changing of seasons, as well. At some point or another each of my family members has had their turn to overcome obstacles, and now it's my brother's turn to shine. Yesterday, February 9th, he celebrated his 1 year of sobriety anniversary and we are very proud of him. Here is to many, many more seasons of strength and success for him!

And I, personally, am overcoming a particular obstacle as well. For the first time in a long time I feel totally free to care for myself without the fear of obsession or addiction. In January, I started meeting with a personal trainer at my gym in preparation of the Vancouver Sun Run which I will take part in come April, and she has been such a blessing. For many years I have been running and enjoying it very much, but having something to work towards is a reward in itself. It's my season to shift my paradigms and addictive tendencies.

And another change that is coming with the new season has to do with this blog...it's not going anywhere, but I have had bigger dreams for it recently, and soon it may shift from a blog to a webpage. I don't know when or how at the moment, but those answers are coming soon and I am excited and inspired. Stay tuned, friends.

Thanks for having my back. Thanks for being brave and sticking your neck out and offering such kind words (and such attentive ears) even when it's scary to be honest. We're totally gonna rock out the rest of this winter and party when the birds start singing once again.

Smile even when you don't feel like it, guys. It helps.

~C

S.A.D.

I really, really wasn't planning on writing about this. Honestly. I have been putting it off and putting it off, but since I am an ambassador for honesty around these parts, I will suck it up and get this out there.

Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Is it just me?

Seasonal Affective Disorder: also known as the Winter Blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the winter (or less frequently in the summer, spring or autumn).

Some of you will remember the big decision I had to make last year regarding my half-dose of Welbutrin, a mild anti-depressant. If not, you can read about it here and here. It wasn't an easy choice to make. I stayed on it until October and then stopped. I will tell you the truth: one day my prescription ran out and I was too lazy to refill it. Worst. Excuse. Ever.

If you read those past entries, you will notice that I was struggling a lot with the weather. I waited a loooooong time to go on the AD's, but I probably should have done it sooner. Now I am confused again. Going off them cold-turkey had to have been a horrible idea as well. Sigh...will I ever get my act together?

Bottom line? Taking them is back on the table. Again. Geez.

I talked it out with Brian and he, of course, is playing for Team Healthy Christina; Whatever it takes. Bless his heart.

I guess the point of this post was to be honest about things, and also to get some feedback from you. Once again I am feeling alone, but that is quite possibly because no one wants to admit they are sad right now. But I am doing it: I admit that I am sad. I want sun. I want warmth. And it's only...February.

Hope you all like the new template. The snowy trees just had to go. They were bringin' me down.

Enjoy this week, friends.

~C

The Net (stolen from Kelle Hampton)

Hello friends,

I have missed you. I have missed typing until the words stopped flowing. I have missed the passion behind my posts. I have missed feeling connected to a world bigger than I realize. I have missed writing.

It's been a quiet month on the blog-front, I realize, and I can't exactly say why. It's like my mind and heart just aren't connecting. I have thought of tons of superficial topics I could write about, but why bother, really. I don't want to waste your time or mine.

You'll see in the right hand margin of this page a list of other blogs I follow. Most of them don't get updated very often, but there is one in particular that does by a lady named Kelle (who I have mentioned before) who absolutely GETS it. She says the things I wish I could say. She feels the things I wish I could feel. She is good at life.

Her last post was called The Net. Click on it if you want a good read. I don't want to bust into a cheesy she's-my-inspiration speech, but I will say that she helped me a great deal to get through some hard things this week.

It was one of those weeks, and you know what I mean.

I was sitting on the fence when I decided to write this post about how much information to disclose here. I wanted to pour out my heart and soul, but I also knew that could hurt a lot of people. So instead I emailed MY net. The few people who I feel I am the most connected with. And I feel a lot better. Especially because the ones who wrote back gave me some fantastic advice and poured out their love.

I've been thinking about needs lately and how they are (or are not) being met. And I decided that it's okay to let people know what my needs are. I've been afraid to do that in the past; afraid to face rejection, afraid to be vulnerable. But I gave it a shot. I emailed The Net, I asked them to catch me. I asked them for love. I told Brian I needed him to do something extra special to reach out to me. And you know what? It worked. I worry a bit that I forced them into loving me, but I'm trying to grasp that I didn't. They loved on me because they saw my little hand reaching out for help and because they are so wonderful they are holding on tight. When I got home from class last night there was a rose on my bed from Brian. It is so beautiful, and so symbolic of his respect for me. There were emails from friends, too. Emails that gave me enough strength to face today.

You might be confused about all this. You might be wondering what possibly could have happened that would make me fall apart. There are a few things, and I like to call one of them the "D Word". D is for Dad. Enough said? Private email me for more details if you feel so inclined. This is one topic I'm gonna keep out of a public forum for the time being. For a bit of background information, though, click here.

Otherwise I am trying to be strong. Trying to love others. Trying to keep my chin up.

And the song that I haven't been able to get out of my head? If you have a few minutes and you are a sensitive soul like me, give it a listen. Let it soak into you. Receive it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVeB7ACVgO0&feature=player_detailpage#t=0s

Let your little light shine friends.

Let your Net catch you when you're falling. Because we all do.

~C

The Box

Happy 1-1-11 Day everyone!

This is the first time I am writing a post that is currently title-less. I mean, by the time YOU read it, it will have a title, but at the moment, I've got nothin'. Because I am just not sure what I want to say.

There is an awful lot on my heart right now and I am having one of those the-world-is-on-my-shoulders kinda days. I wish I could say I rang in the New Year with a joyful heart, but that's not entirely true. And that's not to say that I didn't have a great time with Brian and Hannah and Jackson, but underneath the smile my heart is heavy.

Do you ever feel incomplete? Like part of you is missing? Or like you're somehow not in sync with the people around you and the person you think you should be? That's how I feel. I've been so emotional and the sane side of me is yelling in my ear that I am being ridiculous and need to snap out of it, and the other part of me is finding ways to justify my tears.

I feel like my heart is broken in two pieces, and half of it is here on my sleeve for the world to see, complete with all the tears and honesty and impulse, and the other half is sheltered away inside of me where no one can touch it. That half, the sheltered one, it needs to be nourished right now. It needs to be protected and loved and lured out of its death grip. It needs to learn to trust. It needs time.

This day last year was also a very hard time for this girl. I remember specifically crying equally hard tears, taking equally shaky breaths, having to be equally brave to get through it. Only this year the reasons are so different. As I was unpacking my Christmas decorations this season I found a silver ball that I had decorated with fabric paint at Winter Camp last year. And it says "This too shall pass, '09". I know it sounds depressing, and I suppose that's where I was at. I was struggling and sad in my singleness, feeling terribly lonely and isolated. I spent New Years Eve that year with two of the dearest friends I could ever ask for, and yet when it was all over I went to my home, sat on my couch, and cried the most bitter tears I can remember crying in my entire life. I wept. I bawled. I mourned. I really, really cried. Then I got up, went to my room and started gathering up every last item that I was holding onto for my future: baby clothes, wedding magazine clippings, index cards with ideas and plans on them, letters I had written to that elusive man...I even got a blank CD and burned off every song I wanted played at my wedding, then promptly deleted them off iTunes. I was on a rampage trying to stuff everything I had ever hoped for into a box, which still to this day stays sitting untouched on a shelf in my closet. I also wrote a letter that day, the content unknown as I was obviously in quite a state. I'm trying as we speak to decide whether or not to read that today, this first day of yet another New Year. Perhaps I will.

Last year I had a very hard time grasping the concept of hope. My counsellor would get very frustrated with me from time to time because for me, the line between hope and expectation is very, very blurry. In my mind they are the same thing, which is so not true. I was always expecting all this good to come to me, when in reality the best I could do was hope for it to come. So that was what I set out to do in 2010. To re-learn how to hope. How to have faith. And low-and-behold, as soon as I gave those dreams of mine to God (respectively in a box on my shelf), and as soon as I chose to take up hope and faith rather than expectation, good things came to me. Very, very good things. One in the form of a man who has blessed my socks off. Who is better than I could have ever imagined or asked for (pardon the cliche).

So this year I face a very different challenge, and I can tell you right now that the challenge is going to be trust. You will have to hold me accountable, as I know this will be hard. Brian and I have been together for 6 months now, and though we have been through many ups and downs already, I know there are many more yet to come. And we're getting to that point now where trust is an issue. I need to learn the meaning of it; need to feel myself submit to it, to embrace it, to be okay with it. It's scary, but it's so necessary. Otherwise we're going to keep going in circles: me needing tons of reassurance that I am loved and cherished, and when those things aren't said or shown, feeling rejected and sad. I don't like it, and I want things to get better. I want to trust that I am loved, regardless of feeling. I want to know it. I want to trust it.

I sat down here tonight to say a warm and heart-felt Happy New Year to you, but instead ended up pouring my heart out. It's feeling bruised and a bit sore, but so much better having let out some steam. Thanks for being my sounding board, and I truly do wish you and yours all the best this next year. Play hard. Dream big. Do things that scare you.

Love like never before.

~C