So this is Christmas...
Or rather, the awkward week after when no one knows whether or not to keep up the tree and when is the right time to throw away the left-overs.
It was an amazing, amazing Christmas, one that will not be easily forgotten. The boy and I were able to spend a lot of quality time with each other and with our families. Mine was very generous in "letting me" spend Christmas day dinner with Brian's family, and I must say, if I couldn't be in my own home on that blessed day there was no where else I would rather be.
This time last year I got together with a friend that I hadn't seen in a long, long time, one who I spent a ton of time with in my pre-bulimia days. She was my eating-buddy. We rarely got together unless it was to hit up Boston Pizza or Dairy Queen. I knew she would never judge me for getting refills, as I never judged her, but underneath that non-judgemental-facade I knew that the truth was we were bad for each other. Very bad. When I saw her last year, having come through many years of bulimia and then recovering, it was like stepping back in time. We met at my work, and immediately ordered pizza and went to Save-On for snacks. All the healthy lessons I had learned slipped my mind and I was easily dragged back to a place I ran long and hard from. That day was hard for me, but it wasn't a total loss. Because saying no wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I ate the pizza and snacks but I was able to stop. And that was a breath of fresh air. I will probably see her again, but I'm not worried.
The reason I told you that is because I know over-eating is something most of us deal with this time of year.
On command I can hear my Gramma's gentle voice with that German accent of hers in my ear...
Eat, eat, eat.
Bless her heart. I know she means well and it delights her to no end to see her children nourished, but eating isn't always the right answer.
On the last day of Preschool this year, I hit a wall. And thank GOD my good friend was working with me that day because I needed her. For an entire week little kids were coming to us with boxes of chocolate and homemade cookies and cupcakes and candy and birthday cake and Rice Krispy squares, and gingerbread men. I had a very hard time. As you all know, my job can often be under-challenging so I am bored a lot. And bored people eat. So I ate. More than I needed to. On that last day I knew I had to reach out for some help, so I went to the window in the kitchen that divides our rooms and I told my friend that I wanted to throw up. This is and was a big deal. I hadn't had serious thoughts about this for a long, long time. She was pretty amazing. Without blinking an eye for a second she told me that it wouldn't be worth it; wouldn't be worth it to flush away (no pun intended) all the hard work I had put into my recovery only to start from the beginning again. Then she said she understood how I felt because sometimes she has those thoughts too. Then we packed up every last treat I had been given and went straight to the staff lounge to drop them off. Those treats are now someone else's problem and apparently made quite a few people's day. It felt way better than throwing up. I felt so responsible and so strong in that moment.
Life has been a little hard these days in the way of routines for me. In the fall I house/pet-sat for 2 different sets of friends for a combined 2 months and I haven't really gotten back in the groove since then, especially with the chaos of Christmas. It's been hard, and I have noticed that my eating habits are taking the brunt of it. I'm not very motivated to buy groceries these days because I have dinner with Brian a lot (he's an amazing cook) and haven't felt much like eating breakfast. So I need to get back on that.
I'm happy that my friend from work taught me to give things away. Not everyone deals with the negative consequences (mainly emotional) that come from eating too many sweets, and it's nice to share with my coworkers who do such a great job at what they do. I am going to make a habit of that from now on.
I hope you have had a wonderful Christmas this year. I know I have.
~C~
