One

It's been a year! A whole entire year. 12 months. 365 days.

Did I ever think this day would come? Truthfully, no. Not because I didn't feel capable of healing, but because I never imagined that the freedom that would accompany my decision to end my self-destructive behaviour would be so fulfilling.

I thought I would always struggle.

I thought I would always cringe when I passed by a mirror.

I thought I would never again enjoy the taste of rich food without feeling guilty.

I thought I would spend every day for the rest of my life throwing up.

Now, I am not saying that this year has been entirely easy. I am not saying that it hasn't been a struggle every now and then to keep a meal down. But I AM saying this...

I don't struggle every day.

I don't cringe when I pass by mirrors.

I do enjoy rich food and I do not feel guilty about it (well, most of the time---I'm still human!)

And I made it through the last 365 days without throwing up even once.

So there. I did it.

Not without the help of God and my family and my friends, of course!

When I woke up yesterday morning, this is what awaited me in my inbox...

So I am pretty sure tomorrow is a special day for you...ONE YEAR BABY! Look how far you have come. I am so PROUD of you and am overwhelmed with joy when I think about where you are now...Here is to another year (well forever)!!! It sucks to have to have gone through that but I am sure your blog and song will touch many people!

And this...

One more sleep. You've practically DONE IT, Girl!! Did you ever think this was possible?? :) So happy to have had the privilege of being part of this, ultimately, very solo journey with you. Thank you.

So, thank you so much you two. You're both amazing!!

Sometimes people ask me how I did it, people who may or may not be going through the same or a similar struggle...how to even answer that question? Do you remember the Point Five mark? I shared a story about my friend who put me in my bed and sat with me until the pain went away. It's been a LOT of those moments. Moments where I was alone and had to go for a run or organize a cupboard or start a puzzle or do anything to keep me busy; anything to keep me from allowing that feeling of self-loathing to set in. There were moments when I was with people who loved me, people I had made promises to that I would always be honest with them and so I had to be; had to take that deep breath and tell them that I was thinking of throwing up. And there were many, many, many moments of debate...moments where I literally had two choices, and I can honestly say that I made a LOT of good choices this past year. Because not one of them involved me forcing myself to throw up. And I am really, really proud of myself.

Do I still have moments of insecurity? Absolutely.

Do I still wish I was skinnier sometimes? Sadly, yes.

Am I still learning different coping and defence mechanisms? Yep. And always will, too. Because in life we automatically internalize hurt. We watch scary, sad movies, and whether we know it or not, we internalize those scenes. We are sometimes let down by family or friends, and we take that sadness and tuck it inside. We make mistakes and need to find ways to deal with that. And worst of all, we see people every day who we wish we could be more like...people who are richer, taller, thinner, prettier, more successful, braver, kinder, more generous, and so on and so forth. So what do you do with those things? How do you stop yourself from internalizing the pain that so often accompanies life? How do you let go?

This past year it has boiled down to one main thing for me; one significant and dominant coping mechanism:

It's called L.O.V.E. baby. I have learned how to choose love.

Love over hate.

Love over jealousy.

Love over shame.

Love over hurt.

Love. It's a beautiful thing.

If you're reading this, chances are you've walked this road with me. You've held my hand, and you've caught me when I was falling. You faithfully stayed in touch with me and asked me hard questions and have listened to long and painfully drawn out answers. You've loved me through my recovery, and I am so, so, so thankful. So much more than you will ever know.

So tonight I am going to toast to me...whether that seems self-indulgent or narcissistic or selfish, I don't mind. Because I think this is something to celebrate, my three hundred and sixty-fifth day of FREEDOM!

And since I am the Queen of Lyrics, and even though I already included this in my Point Five post, I still wanted to bring this song back to life. Consider what is being said here and maybe you, too, will choose to DEFY GRAVITY!

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

It's SO good to be alive!

If there has ever been a time to say this, I want to say it now, loud and clear while I have your attention:

I love you. I really, truly love you. Yes, YOU. : )

~C~