Today as I was driving down 200th (oh the joys of 200th) on the way to my mom's birthday brunch, a Dempster truck was seriously riding my tail. Have I mentioned to you folks yet that the engine light on my 1.5 year old car has been gracing me with its presence on and off for some time now? I can take it to the dealer till my face turns blue, but they say nothing is wrong with it. But today, with Mr. Dempster attempting to mow me down, my little car started shuttering and stuttering like never before. I was so not impressed...it seemed like the car didn't feel like going much faster than 60km, which is definitely a problem when you are driving south on that hill. The Dempsters truck was making me incredibly nervous, irrational, angry, and scared. I wanted to slam on my brakes, get out, and swear at that driver the way I have only fantasized about reaming someone out. It took everything in me to stay calm and wait until I could safely get into another lane or at least turn off 200th, but it was hard. I have felt so so so much pressure lately, and this was the icing on the cake. I didn't sleep a wink last night and was overly tired and emotional, so needless to say, having my car on the verge of a major breakdown and some idiot in a massive truck wanting to kill me for not driving fast enough was enough to take me out.
I held it together, took the backroads home, arrived at my childhood home, got out, walked upstairs. My Lama took one look at me, put her hand to my forehead, and, exclaiming something about a high fever, marched me to her bed and practically shoved me under the covers. This silence overcame me then, this peace, this feeling of safety, and I really, really, really cried. I cried for the loss of my perfect home where I live now. I cried for the knowledge that I am going to pick up this bunny next week and I don't know how I am going to pay for the ferry. I cried for the fact that I may have made a mistake by doing all that work on the new house so early. I cried because I am broke. I cried because I was accidentally late for work yesterday. I cried because my beloved car is broken and I don't know how to pay for it. I cried because I am alone. I cried because I knew I was letting my mom down on her birthday because I was sick. I cried because I didn't feel well and had a massive headache.
I cried because I am out of control. So totally, completely, and frighteningly out of control. My car is a mess, my room is a mess, my finances are a mess. I have two homes right now that are both a mess. I know I am not trying hard enough at work to meet the expectations that are required of me. I know I am not trying hard enough to be a good friend. I know I am not trying hard enough to take care of myself. I haven't been to the grocery store in like 13 days. Guys, I'm not doing so well.
Do you ever feel like people just want too much from you? I feel like that a lot. Sometimes it gets to the point where I am afraid to listen to my voicemail or even answer the phone for that matter because I am convinced I have done something wrong. My boss can't even ask to have a conversation with me without seeing my face turn white. You just can't win it all, can you?
The good news is, I am working on this. I am trying so hard to filter through hopes and expectations, which I am hoping to blog about in the next few days. I am trying to accept the fact that I am not responsible for peoples reactions. Like the Dempsters truck. I am not responsible for his impatience, anger, or frustration towards me for not driving as fast as he would have liked. I was doing my best, I was caring for myself and my car, and everything will be okay.
Lama, thank you so much for trading cars with me. I will take good care of the Dynasty. ; )
Mom, happy birthday. I think you are probably more than a little disappointed in me for spending the day sick in bed instead of socializing, but I hope you understand that it was non-negociable today.
Now, to sum this all up...
Must. Get. Some. Sleep.
Here is to a new week, you guys. Let us try to count our blessings and not let life get in the way of that. I promise to try if you will. : )
~C~
