You know, journals are funny things. You can be so honest, and yet you can totally lie to yourself, or whoever it is who will one day read these pages after you are gone. I always thought of myself as being quite candid in my quiet times over the past 6 years, but it appears that I was not. I spend time periodically throughout the years combing through these journals of mine, smiling and laughing, and weeping, as well. Yet tonight I sat down to read through them with a purpose: to find a first entry on my struggle with bulimia. I know, know, KNOW that it began in 2004, and yet there is absolutely no written evidence of this disease until August of 2007. I could not believe that. Was I really in denial for THAT long? I guess so. At any rate, here it is. My Genesis.
August 7th, 2007
...I havent been feeling very good about myself these days. I'm scared that I am gaining weight because I havent been excersizing and I almost cried in Target because I felt so fat. I am PMSing and really do need to go to the gym, so I am not too surprised I feel this way. I am buying a gym pass this month so there are no excuses, and it's something I really will use. I could stand to lose more, but even another 10lbs God. Please help me. I am very uncomfortable in my body right now. Especially my breasts. I hate them.
August 8th, 2007
Hey God. I was hoping that after I wrote that yesterday I would feel foolish and wish I hadnt said that I hate my breasts, but today, as it stands, it is still true. I guess I am realizing that I am for real trapped in an eating disorder. I'm quite surprised actually, it was never an option or issue all throughout my teenage years, and I just figured it wouldnt come up. I know I am on a dangerous path, but I keep thinking that after I lose my 22.5 lbs then I can be happy and eat properly and not struggle so much. I'm hoping I'm right, but if that is true than why are so many girls dying of this? I can look at Mackenzie* and have these memories come rushing back to me about how sad I felt that she struggled so badly. I wanted to fix her. Now she is relatively "healed", but claims that anorexia will always be a part of her life. Is that how it is going to be for the rest of my life now? Even if some day I am living in Africa and still want to throw up after every meal? That doesnt sound so good to me. Will I need to see some special therepist or will a regular counselor do? Will 4 weeks of counseling help, or should I have a South African counselor as well?** I dont even know if anyone suspects I am dealing with this. Danielle* for sure knows, but never brings it up. Sierra* knew 3 years ago but probably assumes it is over. Kari* knows I did struggle with it, but I dont think she knows I still do. And other than that, no one has ever said anything, seen anything, heard anything. And I am going to the gym which explains the weight loss, even though I havent actually lost anything in awhile. I just need to start being more hard core.
*Names changed to protect my friends.
**Less than 4 weeks after I wrote this, I moved from BC to Pietermaritzburg, South Africa. Though it was not my first time living overseas, I honestly felt like this might be the "cure". You will see as we journey through many more pages of my life that it was definitely not the case.
Thanks for reading up on my Genesis. I know that the content may be offensive to some, but it is just real, raw, honest, truth.
~C~
