I am so, so, so silly.
I got my period when I was 13 1/2 years old. That was approximately 144 periods ago. ONE HUNDRED and FOURTY-FOUR. So why, ladies, oh why does it creep up on me and "SURPRISE" me every single month?
Today it all came together. Yesterday's desperate plea for help regarding the anti-depressants saga was a low-low-low for me. But it was real. I was truly down in the dumps. More so than I usually am when I PMS. But did it ever occur to me that it might be just that---PMS? Nope. Silly!
Once a month I cry for no reason, get head aches and crampies, mood swings and munchies. And I always, without failing, wonder why. My bestie and I were discussing this today over lunch, how we should totally know, after 144 periods, that this is why we are struggling, but we don't.
Now that my ovaries are being relieved of some pent-up tension (hmm, too much information??) I feel much better. Not perfect (oopsie! I owe 5 cents to the Perfect Jar!) but better. Today I smiled without being forced to and I didn't sweat the small stuff. My Secret Pal at work surprised me with a house warming gift---an Aloe Vera plant!---which was delightful. (thanks, secret pal!). My coworker totally came through for me and helped me plan my L'il Gardeners class. I got to have lunch with one of my bestest friends. And I have some pretty amazing memories of last nights Party-on-a-Monday with that dear friend from work I have mentioned.
The climb is on! No more downhill tumbling.
Now, I owe a few of you BIG time. If you replied to yesterday's blog, you know who you are. And in keeping with anonymity I won't mention any names, but I am going to share a few snippets of wisdom that were given to me. Like I have said a thousand times, we're all in this together...
~depression is real. Chemical imbalances in the brain affect personality and emotion and our ability to adjust to life. It can be an ongoing suffering with no 'up' feelings, ever. And is it foolish to think that God cannot work through the modern miracle of science and drugs and doctors?? That is healing just as miraculous as any sort of laying on of the hands, epically spiritual experience. So yes, anti-depressants CAN be useful and sometimes necessary.
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~I think that "depression" can be a part of life. We all go through phases where everything seems, feels, you KNOW it, deep down, is horrible. There's no point in getting up, no point in doing anything, etc etc. I'm not trying to minimize these feelings, but I think that to dwell on them gives them power over us. And then? When something else has power over that is not God? What do we call that??!!! Hmmmmmmm.
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~I feel that sometimes anti-depressants are just another way for us to wallow in our own grief. Wow, that seems harsh, but I don't mean it quite so cruelly as it may sound. They CAN BE another way that we end up allowing ourselves to become fixated on our depression; but it's so sneaky because we convince ourselves that we are doing something about it through the antidepressants. Like praying against a certain sin can make us more prone to do it, because we are ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT IT.
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~The other thing is that God is sovereign. Sovereign. He has control over us. I also feel that sometimes anti-depressants are a way that we attempt to wrest control of our lives back from God. I don't think we do this consciously, but living in freedom means we are able to pass our crap over to God, and he can deal with it. He LOVES it when we give it to him. He wants it. He loves us.
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~rough times suck... and knowing what to do in the low times can be the hardest part. I've been down the depression path for a majority of my life. Done the antidepressants thing off and on and like you, i was totally freaked out about trying them at first. what would people THINK? omg. However, I learned that more people are on them than will admit and it's not a label that's forever. you can stop taking them at any time...and taking a pill doesn't confirm that you are depressed... feelings change.
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~they only really helped me most when I was at the lowest of lows. other than that I kinda felt like the side effects were worse than anything they might be "helping" me with but every persons different and maybe you wont know for yourself till you try.
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~my comment is that when ever i am feeling down (depressed) i pick my favorite worship song and blare it and realize that even if every thing else in my life seems crappy at the moment that I will always have GOD on my side to comfort me!
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Ladies, you are amazing. Thank you for your help, comfort and advice to not only me, but now to the world wide web. We can all benefit from your words of wisdom!
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Now that my monthly friend is here, I am going to put the anti-depressants on the back burner for now. But it is great to be a little more educated now in a relative way. I know I am not alone, and hopefully you guys do, too. I am not going to down-play my feelings of depression, because I have been through a lot lately, and the passing of my period isn't going to change that. But I am going to be monitoring my feelings and how I am dealing with them in the coming weeks and months.
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And one more thing? Asking for help, whether in a public forum or in your own quiet way, makes a world of difference. Remember the song Lean on Me? Take Bill Withers advice. Lean on me, lean on each other, let others lean on you.
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Happy Tuesday, my friends. : )
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~C~
