I closed the comments option on my blog a few months ago. I don’t have an exact reason for doing it, but I guess I just didn’t want to rely on those comments to motivate me to blog. I always said I would write eventually, even if only 1 person read what I had to say. Thankfully, more than 1 person will read this, but I still felt the need to close the comments option.
However, today I am re-opening it for a little while. It’s because I want to throw something out there that is really controversial and scary: Anti-depressants. I have never taken them personally. Have they been suggested to me? Yes, and on more than one occasion, too. And I have considered them in the past, especially in my early 20’s. It’s not that I am suicidal or manically depressed or anything...it’s just that a few times a year I DO get feelings of depression. I am sad and irritable, exhausted and unmotivated. I feel like that these days. Okay, so I’m smiling on the outside, but I am dragging my feet and fighting tears. I get clingy and needy, and start grasping onto those around me for comfort and attention and...I dunno...salvation almost. It’s not good.
I feel really fat these days. I think I actually am gaining weight. Nothing seems to fit. I am snacking and snacking and nothing seems to satisfy my hunger. I try to get enough sleep and yet I could curl into a ball at 2pm and sleep for 24 hours. My hair doesn’t do what I want it to do. I look in the mirror and sigh. Who is this girl??
Hello honesty... I told you I would be real with you, and I think this is as real as it gets.
Why am I spilling my guts?? It’s because I think some of you out there might actually relate to this. Maybe not everyone, but I know that I am not alone here. I know we all go through seasons of drought and sadness. I know that bawling in my car listening to sad songs on purpose is not something I invented. I’m not the first girl to put on 10 different outfits in the morning trying to decide which one best hides the muffin-top. Right? Right guys? If I could stay in my yoga pants and hoodie all day and hide I would be happy.
Remember when I went to the doctor last month and was scared to tell her about my struggle with bulimia? Well, it’s kind of like that for me again. I understand that for some people anti-depressants really do the trick. They are kinder to others, they accomplish more work, they enjoy life more thoroughly, they cope better with the bumps, they feel healthier and stronger. Those are all things I strive for. I am just scared to be labelled forevermore as “depressed”. Because I actually do really enjoy life. I do. It’s just that I need a leg up right now. After the Big Move and all my struggles at the moment (finances at the top of the list) I just need a boost. But once again, what if one day I actually finish my degree and go into a field where it is all about dealing with depressed people, and I get turned down from the job of my dreams because I took/take anti-depressants? Or are these little pills actually just like candy out there? Does everyone take them at some point in their lives? Once you start, are you able to stop?
Can I just throw something out there for you guys? I said I go through this a few times a year, right? Well, this is the first time these feelings have hit since I stopped throwing up. Can you even for a second imagine how much worse it was when I was throwing up every single day? Oh my word...what a gong show. I can’t believe that was once my life. I would be feeling so, so, so fat and ugly, and then to make matters worse, I would eat anything possible, even stale bread or cereal I didn’t even like, and then I would wait an hour and puke it all up. And that was how I dealt with these feelings. Did I feel better? Um, no. Maybe for 20 or 30 minutes or so after the fact. Then it all got bad again. I am so thankful that that part of my life is behind me. I guess I am still learning how to cope with my sad feelings in a healthy way. I don’t know what that looks like yet.
In my last post I wrote a list of things we could do to feel better. Hmm..well, I have taken my vitamins but I haven’t gone for a walk yet. Maybe I will do that now as I contemplate all I just wrote.
Am I considering anti-depressants? Not seriously, not yet. But the reason I allowed the comments option for this post is because I would like to hear your opinion, if you have one. Have you ever taken them? Do you know someone who has? Did it help? Did it make things worse? Do you think I would be wasting my time, since chances are I will come out of this fog eventually? Do you think that all the rain has brought this on and not some chronic illness?
The Big Move kind of messed things up, I think. But actually, if I hear back from you that this sadness is just part of life, I might be able to look past it. And going back to the post on perfection, well, life just isn’t perfect, is it? It certainly isn’t right now, but I can still be filled with joy.
I am going to embrace this state I am in. It’s not fun, and it hurts like hell and is uncomfortable. But maybe somewhere down the road all this hurt I am feeling will manifest itself as great compassion and empathy.
After all, my friends, as those wonderful Weepies say...
The world spins madly on...
~C~
