If I hadn’t been named Christina, my parents were going to call me Mercedes. Yes, like Mercedes Benz. It’s a lovely name, but my older sister is named Marcy (oops, let another real name slide!), so I guess Marcy and Mercedes would have been a bit of a stretch. So they went with Christina. I like my name, but I hadn't heard of any other Mercedes in my 25 years of life until a certain chart-topping new show hit Global last September...can anybody guess what I might be talking about?
You got it. Glee! My obsession; my guilty pleasure. Why didn’t they think of that show sooner? It’s fabulous! One of best parts about Glee (BESIDES the singing and dancing!) is that each episode deals with real life issues. Real. Life. Like handicaps, both physical and social, pregnancy, bullying, you name it. I think all of us out there can relate with a few of the characters. My job here today is not to depict each character for you---if you haven’t already gotten to know them, do it! My job here today is to talk about a character named???? MERCEDES!
But before I do, I was wondering if you have ever heard of Mika? He is fun. If you have the volume on your computer turned on right now, you are probably listening to a weird song, hey? It’s called Big Girl, You Are Beautiful. When I first heard it, I couldn't stop laughing. Who writes a song like that? True, the lyrics are a bit degrading (“diet coke and pizza please! diet coke and I’m on my knees screaming, ‘big girl, you are beautiful!’”). But it is true. We ARE beautiful. If you don’t have volume on your computer or whatever, see if you can listen to that song at some point in time. You just might smile.
Coming back now to Mercedes, she represents the big girls in our culture. She stands loud and proud alongside Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, Sara Rue, Oprah, Gabourey Sidibe, and um...Rosie O’Donnell? While at some point, Hollywood might strive to change Mercedes, persuading her to be the spokesperson for Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers, Glee celebrates her size, diversity, and representation. In real life, her name is Amber Riley.
I think she is beautiful. Beautiful smile. Beautiful body. Beautiful face. Beautiful voice. Beautiful heart. Beautiful. Do you ever look in the mirror and think the same thing about yourself?? If you are anything like me, those moments of sheer appreciation for your/our beauty are few and far between. More likely, you look in the mirror and see the opposite.
A few months ago, I can’t remember exactly when, I was walking through the gym at work on my way to lower the gym curtain, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the window. Do you know what my first thought was? “Oh geez...it’s worse than I thought.” That startled me, because honest to goodness, the thought was audible. I could literally replay that moment in my head over and over and over. How ridiculously sad! How heartbreaking! It’s always these times that send me into a frenzy of diets and exercise. But why? That is such a huge, enormous question. Why? Health aside, why is my/our figure(s) so important to me/us?
When I lived in Africa, especially Kenya, I experienced a rather interesting turn of events. I went from being overweight in Canada to fitting right in with the Kenyan ladies. Not all of them, of course, but what I learned in Africa is that having excess baggage is a sign of beauty and even wealth over there. People accepted me, more-so than the people here at home. It took me awhile, but I slowly eased into that acceptance and learned to deal with it. Now, I know that back in my Kenya post I talked about how bulimia chased me there, too, but it was different. It wasn't about my shape at that point. Bulimia was about coping. I think for me that was an important time in my life, one where I didn't have to worry about being pointed at or looked down upon because of my weight. I only had to deal with the pointing because of the fact that I am a mzungu! It was nice.
Once I got home from Kenya I struggled to be okay with my body, but I just wasn't. That was in 2005 and I am still working on it. But the truth is, it has gotten easier. Because I do feel beautiful. Not every day, not all the time, but the times when I do, I cherish them. I am learning to look at those around me in every day life and appreciate their bodies, too. No more judging or jealousy for me. Well, at least that is the goal!
I think the question we all wonder about, though is...is it okay to want to be thin? I think it's okay to want to be healthy. To want to be your best. But maybe the point where we start obsessing over something that is unattainable is where it becomes a problem. I was totally that girl, working my ass off to be a size I will never, ever be no matter how hard I try. But then I went and talked to a professional who taught me about my body shape and bone structure and told me what weight would be healthy for me, and it turns out I am not far off. Imagine that. All that sweating and crying for nothing, hey? Maybe one day I will head back to the gym for a little toning or whatever, but right now I think I would be in danger of overdoing it or slipping back into that place where I buy clothes one size too small and then nearly kill myself trying to lose enough weight to fit into them. I just need to be gentle with myself. Actually, I think we all need to be gentle with ourselves. Yes, we only get one body and we need to care for it, but we don't need to sell our souls to do it. Eat fruit. Walk in the rain. Enjoy those lazy morning stretches. Smile more. Drink water. That should be good. Oh yeah, and take your vitamins.
And maybe look at girls like Amber Riley and see how beautiful they are. Ignore Hollywood and Bollywood and NYC. We are all beautiful. The big, the small, the short and the tall. Even if you don't feel like it. You are. You are you are you are.
I promise.
~C~
