Balance. Equilibrium. Even-Steven. Harmony. Control. Equivalence. Parity. Stasis.
It's hard, isn't it?
Every time I think I have this balance thing worked out, something shifts in my life and I am back to square one.
Well...that might be a wee bit melodramatic, but it's how I feel.
Every September, people, it's the same thing.
In South Africa the word 'hectic' is used as often as the word 'awesome' is used here in Canada. Everything is hectic. Car accidents are hectic. Hard classes are hectic. Headaches are hectic.
I get it, South Africa. I get it.
To say my life is completely hectic would actually be pretty unfair. It's not that bad; it's just that transition is never easy for me, and this September has been no exception.
Perhaps I should have taken a break between camp and preschool. Maybe a day off or two here or there would have helped, but it was quite the opposite.
Anyways, enough of that. I don't want to be a complainer. Let's talk about balance.
I like routines. But don't mistake that for monotony. They are very different. Monotony is saying the same things over and over. Asking the same questions and getting no answers. But routines I like. Every evening before I go to bed, I set out my clothes for the next day, prepare my breakfast for easy access, count out my vitamins and set them beside my juice glass, pack my lunch, return emails, and so on and so forth. It helps me feel balanced. I try hard to keep in close contact with people who mean a lot to me; try to stay as involved as possible in their everyday lives. I try to visit my family every 2 weeks or so. I like to run a few times a week to keep up my strength. I try to stay on top of my homework and studying. I like to pay my bills on time and have no outstanding debts. I like to be on time for work.
Are you getting the picture here, my friends?
Control issue? Maybe....But in my case I don't think it's a bad thing. Wanting to be healthy and have a good handle on my life is a good thing. But it's when things don't go the way I planned that it becomes trouble. I start to spiral. Things slip. Priorities get mixed up. Friends start feeling as if I am distant. Bills pile up. Homework and excersize gets neglected. You all know what I'm sayin', right?
But honestly, I feel as if things this month haven't been as severe as they would have been this time last year. I feel stronger. I feel older somehow, like maybe I actually have learned a few lessons along the way and have made changes in my life (imagine that...it's a miracle). It's encouraging.
Now, one major way that things are different this year than last is because of Brian. He is my boyfriend. And I thought of writing an "introductory post" about him telling you how wonderful he is, but I changed my mind because throughout the coming months you will learn about him and the ways he has changed my life. Especially over these last 3 months. The biggest change has been going from "me" to "we". I gotta say, I've never really had to do that before. Despite past relationships, I've been very independant for the last 26 years, besides that whole not-being-able-to-walk thing when I was a baby. And it's not as if overnight I have lost the ability to put myself first, but slowly things are turning around and I am learning that my actions and decisions are directly affecting someone besides myself. How weird.
So while things with Brian have been really amazing and fun and exciting and joyful, there is also this part of me that knows I am not doing a very good job of balancing the things in my life that matter so much to me. How do you learn to time manage when you are in a new relationship? How do you decide who "gets" your time? Because I've definitely been accused already of neglecting people, and yet I feel like this stage in our relationship will only happen once and I want to enjoy it. I feel torn.
If you have any advice, please email me! I usually try to sit down and write a post that has a beginning, middle AND an end, but this time I only have the beginning and middle parts. Because I don't know the end; how to balance this out. I will keep learning and trying and striving to figure out this balance thing. I will do my best to maintain relationships. I will make sure to keep having that ever-so-important me-time.
And tomorrow night Hannah and I are having a GNO. I can hardly wait. I feel more balanced already ; )
~C~
