Genesis-August 7th, 2007

You know, journals are funny things. You can be so honest, and yet you can totally lie to yourself, or whoever it is who will one day read these pages after you are gone. I always thought of myself as being quite candid in my quiet times over the past 6 years, but it appears that I was not. I spend time periodically throughout the years combing through these journals of mine, smiling and laughing, and weeping, as well. Yet tonight I sat down to read through them with a purpose: to find a first entry on my struggle with bulimia. I know, know, KNOW that it began in 2004, and yet there is absolutely no written evidence of this disease until August of 2007. I could not believe that. Was I really in denial for THAT long? I guess so. At any rate, here it is. My Genesis.

August 7th, 2007

...I havent been feeling very good about myself these days. I'm scared that I am gaining weight because I havent been excersizing and I almost cried in Target because I felt so fat. I am PMSing and really do need to go to the gym, so I am not too surprised I feel this way. I am buying a gym pass this month so there are no excuses, and it's something I really will use. I could stand to lose more, but even another 10lbs God. Please help me. I am very uncomfortable in my body right now. Especially my breasts. I hate them.

August 8th, 2007

Hey God. I was hoping that after I wrote that yesterday I would feel foolish and wish I hadnt said that I hate my breasts, but today, as it stands, it is still true. I guess I am realizing that I am for real trapped in an eating disorder. I'm quite surprised actually, it was never an option or issue all throughout my teenage years, and I just figured it wouldnt come up. I know I am on a dangerous path, but I keep thinking that after I lose my 22.5 lbs then I can be happy and eat properly and not struggle so much. I'm hoping I'm right, but if that is true than why are so many girls dying of this? I can look at Mackenzie* and have these memories come rushing back to me about how sad I felt that she struggled so badly. I wanted to fix her. Now she is relatively "healed", but claims that anorexia will always be a part of her life. Is that how it is going to be for the rest of my life now? Even if some day I am living in Africa and still want to throw up after every meal? That doesnt sound so good to me. Will I need to see some special therepist or will a regular counselor do? Will 4 weeks of counseling help, or should I have a South African counselor as well?** I dont even know if anyone suspects I am dealing with this. Danielle* for sure knows, but never brings it up. Sierra* knew 3 years ago but probably assumes it is over. Kari* knows I did struggle with it, but I dont think she knows I still do. And other than that, no one has ever said anything, seen anything, heard anything. And I am going to the gym which explains the weight loss, even though I havent actually lost anything in awhile. I just need to start being more hard core.

*Names changed to protect my friends.

**Less than 4 weeks after I wrote this, I moved from BC to Pietermaritzburg, South Africa. Though it was not my first time living overseas, I honestly felt like this might be the "cure". You will see as we journey through many more pages of my life that it was definitely not the case.

Thanks for reading up on my Genesis. I know that the content may be offensive to some, but it is just real, raw, honest, truth.

~C~

Out With It

We might as well be honest here. I have been writing in my journal my whole life it seems, and those volumes (and I MEAN volumes) of books, whether spiral bound or pieces of paper stuffed in an envelope, contain what I used to think was my biggest secret. I have learned over the past few years that it is okay to have secrets. It is okay to have little pieces of life tucked away for you and you alone. Sometimes secrets seem like friends. But my secret was not like that. It wasn't kind to me; it wasn't comforting. It was destructive. Ladies and gentlemen, people of the jury, I am a recovering bulimic. Some of you knew, but I am pretty sure majority rules in favor of not knowing that. This isn't going to be one of those blogs that lead up to a wonderfully exciting adoption or wedding or job promotion. It is going to be a blog that takes you through my journey from addiction to the rest of my life as a reformed addict. I think that we can all relate to addiction in some way. Addiction isn't about drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, gambling, racing, speeding, food, or T.V. Addiction is about a co-dependency; a compulsion or obsession so strong that you literally feel as though you will die without feeling that high. And mine just happened to be throwing up each time I felt like a failure. Try telling me you haven't felt like that at some point in your life.

Throughout the next several months, I have big dreams for this blog. I want to take you inside my world. I want to let you see what these past 6 (yes, 6) years of my life have been like. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I hope you will maybe see that we all struggle, we all fall down. But it's time to stand up. It's time.

~C~

My new blog = vulnerability...

Hi there, hello, and how are you? I am actually doing this; I am actually joining the world of bloggers. I must say, I am nervous and intimidated, but I know that this is something I need to do, even if my bff's are the only ones who read this. If you so chose to follow this blog, you will learn things about me that you never knew. Things that might come as a surprise to you, but also things that might inspire you to be real. At least, that it my prayer. Because dont we all just have miles to go? As it is late, and my brain is fried, I will prematurely sign off for now, but I hope to have this up and running within the week, so I can begin the challenge of letting you, whoever you might be, in on my life. I am ready to share, if you want to listen. XOXO

~C~