I went on my very first date when I was about 12 years old. My "boyfriend" of approximately 6 hours took me to see the Prince of Egypt at the local theatre in White Rock where we grew up. I don't remember too much about the date except that we had to cross the street after the movie to Tim Hortons where we would get picked up by his dad, and I was wondering the whole time if he would hold my hand or not. For the record, he didn't. Ahh...the dynamics of pre-teen relationships. : )
It was the one and only time I watched that movie, and while I am vaguely familiar with the bible story, I still can't say I know what it's all about. But other than crossing the street after the movie, one thing I do remember quite well was that song that Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey sang called When You Believe. It's about miracles. And this post is not. Well, not directly at least. Actually maybe in a way it is, I guess.
I'll get on with it.
Do you have a hard time believing people who say nice things about you? Do you believe you are totally and completely worthy of love? Of acceptance? Of happiness? Of joy? Of wealth? If you're anything like me, moments where you truly, deeply believe those things are few and far between. And I just can't figure out why.
be·lieve
[bih-leev]
-lieved, -liev·ing.
–verb (used without object)
1. to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so:
Only if one believes in something can one act purposefully.
My coworker was reading the beginning of this as I was writing, and I asked her why she thought we have such a hard time with this subject, and she gave me a kick-ass answer. One I wasn't expecting to write about. She said that believing the good stuff about yourself is hard because our expectations of ourselves are so high that we rarely meet them and therefore can't understand when people see good, pure things about us. Wow. Can I get an 'amen'?
I've touched on this topic many times during the course of this blog, the subject of expectations. And it's always the same outcome: I don't know about you, but my expectations of myself are far too high. And it's not like I necessarily want to lower them, but I want them to be more realistic. I want to believe that I am doing a good job in life and in love, and I want to believe that I am beautiful.
Let me repeat myself...
I. WANT. to. BELIEVE. that. I. am. BEAUTIFUL.
Walking out of work the past few days into the beautiful crisp sunshine has been amazing. Don't you agree? The cloudless, endless blue sky, and the colourful crunchy leaves and the down vests from The Gap are all enough to make me smile like a crazy person...but the sun. Oh the sun. I want to just pause and soak it in. I want to bask in it. I want to capture it, those rays of warmth and light and hope. I want to feel it resting gently on my back always and always and always.
The sun is real. We can feel it. We can see it. We can even almost touch it. We believe it.
That is how I want to feel about the beauty that is within me. I want to feel it. I want to see it. I want to believe it and I want to bask in it, soak it in, just like we soak in Mr. Sun. When people say nice things about me I don't want to make that face anymore; that mock-humble "nah" face where I act like I am embarrassed because what they said is true but I actually am embarrassed because I believe it isn't. That's horrible. It's not cool.
So even though I said this post wasn't going to be about miracles, I think I am changing my mind a little bit. Because the miracle would be for me, for US, to start BELIEVING that we ARE worthy of love, totally and completely, and we ARE beautiful and we should be soaking that in every single day.
Believe your parents when they tell you they are proud of you. Believe your boss when he or she tells you that you are doing good work. Believe your friends when they say that you can lean on them. Believe your boyfriend when he tells you that you are beautiful. Believe your teacher when he or she tells you that you are clever. Believe your little brothers and sisters when they tell you that you are their hero. And most importantly, believe in God because he says that he loves you. And that is a promise.
Time for me to sign off here. I have talked enough for one day. I have no answers that go along with this post. No cure or medication or ideas on how to start believing in these truths. But I know that it is time to try. Time to start now. I'll keep you posted and you keep me posted, too, okay?
~C~
