Ebb and Flow and PMS

Remember that scene in Look Who's Talking Too where Baby Julie and Kirstie Alley are getting all dolled up so Kirstie Alley can seduce John Travolta? It's this slow-motion sequence of blush flying about and lipstick being applied and fishnet stockings being rolled up on long tanned legs in a sultry fashion. It's all quite tasteful (um, NOT), but the best part about it all is that the show tune playing in the foreground is from Rodgers and Hammerstein's musical Flower Drum Song. Does anyone know the song I am talking about? It's called "I Enjoy Being a Girl".

Really?

Okay, so for the most part I DO quite enjoy being a girl. I like sparkles and glitter and Christmas and pink and all that stuff for sure. But I do not like the hormones that come with it. And no, this isn't gonna be a giant post about pms and such because you know and I know that we have been down that path with this blog before and we don't need to go there again.

But it really IS part of the ebb and flow of life. These waves of good times and hard times and all the times in between, and you'd think that after all these years I'd know better how to control my emotions, share my pain, laugh off the little things. But alas, I haven't yet.

First things first. I am really badly struggling right now with the departures of Alisha and Nicki. They are my two oldest and bestest friends who ironically got married within 2 weeks of each other in 2008 and then moved across the country within 4 weeks of each other this summer. I am so so so missing them right now. They have been the reason behind the lump in the back of my throat for days now, and I am usually on the verge of tears because of it. Even now, I could just burst into tears. Really, I thank GOD for the internet and for the phone. What did we do without those things? *I miss you girls*

I want to thank you so much those of you who emailed me about the Balance issue. You will be happy to learn that things are smoothing out a bit. Hannah and I had a fabulous girls-night-IN last Friday, and I have been enjoying quiet moments to myself and with some dear friends. However, you guys were right: I DO need to cherish this time with the boy, and I am. Somedays it is not easy, I'm not gonna lie, to realize that not every moment can be pure magic and pure bliss; life is complicated and hard sometimes, and why I ever thought that this relationship would be unaffected by that is beyond me. Ahh...gotta love those ever-present adjustments in life, hey? But he is lovely, and it's nice to enter a phase where we can kinda just let those true colours shine.

In other news, I am LOVING my sociology class. A lot. I made a new friend and we decided to study together, and this week I had to stop myself from doing homework so I didn't get too far ahead. Can you imagine?? This is coming from the girl who was ready to jump off a bridge towards the end of last semester for lack of motivation. This class is right up my alley. It's crazy to back up a little bit and try to see this world through the eyes of other cultures, countries, subgroups, and minorities. I love it.

Oh, and over the summer I totally forgot how much I love to run. I think I was so busy with that crazy job promotion and my class that it just seemed like I was running all the time (which I literally was), and somehow running for the pure sake of running took a backseat in my life. It's nice to get my head back in the game; to tie up those laces and crank up Alanis and hit the pavement (or sawdust or treadmill or track---my mood varies). It's a love-hate relationship...sometimes my knees want to buckle and my side is aching and my lungs are crying out for a deep breath of air and I just want to Q.U.I.T. But then I finish my run...and I slow down. And I am sweaty and tired and pacing back and forth trying to slow my heartbeat and I realize that I am happy. It's important to do good things for yourself even when they hurt, and I am slowly learning that my happy place is right there, right there at the end of my run when I can pat myself on the back and say "good job, Chris. you did it."

There was a time a few years ago where I ran for the wrong reasons. I ran because I was convinced that if I ran hard enough, I would morph into someone else; someone new, someone prettier than me, someone skinnier than me. It was enough to motivate me at the time, but it was really unhealthy. But in the same breath I am thankful for that time in my life because it has taught me to love who I am. Just as I am. And it taught me to run. So I am going to keep on running.

~C~

About Balance

Balance. Equilibrium. Even-Steven. Harmony. Control. Equivalence. Parity. Stasis.

It's hard, isn't it?

Every time I think I have this balance thing worked out, something shifts in my life and I am back to square one.

Well...that might be a wee bit melodramatic, but it's how I feel.

Every September, people, it's the same thing.

In South Africa the word 'hectic' is used as often as the word 'awesome' is used here in Canada. Everything is hectic. Car accidents are hectic. Hard classes are hectic. Headaches are hectic.

I get it, South Africa. I get it.

To say my life is completely hectic would actually be pretty unfair. It's not that bad; it's just that transition is never easy for me, and this September has been no exception.

Perhaps I should have taken a break between camp and preschool. Maybe a day off or two here or there would have helped, but it was quite the opposite.

Anyways, enough of that. I don't want to be a complainer. Let's talk about balance.

I like routines. But don't mistake that for monotony. They are very different. Monotony is saying the same things over and over. Asking the same questions and getting no answers. But routines I like. Every evening before I go to bed, I set out my clothes for the next day, prepare my breakfast for easy access, count out my vitamins and set them beside my juice glass, pack my lunch, return emails, and so on and so forth. It helps me feel balanced. I try hard to keep in close contact with people who mean a lot to me; try to stay as involved as possible in their everyday lives. I try to visit my family every 2 weeks or so. I like to run a few times a week to keep up my strength. I try to stay on top of my homework and studying. I like to pay my bills on time and have no outstanding debts. I like to be on time for work.

Are you getting the picture here, my friends?

Control issue? Maybe....But in my case I don't think it's a bad thing. Wanting to be healthy and have a good handle on my life is a good thing. But it's when things don't go the way I planned that it becomes trouble. I start to spiral. Things slip. Priorities get mixed up. Friends start feeling as if I am distant. Bills pile up. Homework and excersize gets neglected. You all know what I'm sayin', right?

But honestly, I feel as if things this month haven't been as severe as they would have been this time last year. I feel stronger. I feel older somehow, like maybe I actually have learned a few lessons along the way and have made changes in my life (imagine that...it's a miracle). It's encouraging.

Now, one major way that things are different this year than last is because of Brian. He is my boyfriend. And I thought of writing an "introductory post" about him telling you how wonderful he is, but I changed my mind because throughout the coming months you will learn about him and the ways he has changed my life. Especially over these last 3 months. The biggest change has been going from "me" to "we". I gotta say, I've never really had to do that before. Despite past relationships, I've been very independant for the last 26 years, besides that whole not-being-able-to-walk thing when I was a baby. And it's not as if overnight I have lost the ability to put myself first, but slowly things are turning around and I am learning that my actions and decisions are directly affecting someone besides myself. How weird.

So while things with Brian have been really amazing and fun and exciting and joyful, there is also this part of me that knows I am not doing a very good job of balancing the things in my life that matter so much to me. How do you learn to time manage when you are in a new relationship? How do you decide who "gets" your time? Because I've definitely been accused already of neglecting people, and yet I feel like this stage in our relationship will only happen once and I want to enjoy it. I feel torn.

If you have any advice, please email me! I usually try to sit down and write a post that has a beginning, middle AND an end, but this time I only have the beginning and middle parts. Because I don't know the end; how to balance this out. I will keep learning and trying and striving to figure out this balance thing. I will do my best to maintain relationships. I will make sure to keep having that ever-so-important me-time.

And tomorrow night Hannah and I are having a GNO. I can hardly wait. I feel more balanced already ; )

~C~