Country Roads, Take Me Home

We were driving along this road, my girl and I, and suddenly this huge gust of cotton blew up over the windshield. It totally felt like a dream. It was beautiful. I wanted to cry. Oh wait, I did cry.

I cried a lot this weekend. Can't blame it on PMS this time, though. I don't want to blame it on anything, actually. I just want to accept it. Accept the fact that I am sad about my two best friends moving away. Accept the fact that I am just plain lonely. Accept the fact that sometimes it is hard to revisit the past.

That's basically what I did these past two days. Revisited the past. As mentioned, I am going back to my roots, and while camp is not where my life's journey started, it plays a major roll in it.

Saturday was a pretty typical rainy day, only I woke up in this dark mood that carried into the early afternoon. I dropped my wallet in a puddle at the gas station. All my money fell out and scattered. The machine took like a gazillion years to process my debit card. I was late picking up my girl. I dropped my muffin which was so dirty even I wouldn't eat it. Everything was just crappy.

But then we got to the ferry, and somehow we had made it in time for the early afternoon sailing that we never thought we could catch. Hmm...life started looking up a bit at that point. After a few hours of catch-up conversation, a People magazine, and BC Ferries ice cream, I felt better. Shopping (aka retail-therepy) helped a lot, too.

But I actually think that while shopping and making the ferry on time and everything was good, the real reason I had started to feel better was because I realized that, in a way, I was home. I didn't live on the Island for too long, but starting about 11 years ago I began spending every summer of my life until I was 20 there. I have so many memories there, both good and bad. And as if it was orchestrated, all those memories unravelled this past weekend.

I spent Saturday night with my two best friends, having lovely dinner and drinkies at Milestones on the waterfront and catching SatC2 at Tillicum Theatre. We stayed up till about 3:30am talking and giggling as only true friends can, and woke up at 8am exhausted. Surprise, surprise. It was glorious.

Yesterday, two of us drove up island to go back to camp. Cue: Tears. We hadn't even made it to Duncan yet when the tears started to flow. And how. I actually felt a little out of control of my emotions. It reminded me of my very favourite Dane Cook impression. Watch it. You will know why. But I think the reason I (ahem, we) cried so hard is because, like I said before, revisiting the past is freaking hard. Yes, millions of amazing memories are wrapped up in the time spent at that camp and on the Island. But for me, that time in my life also represents incredible brokenness, insecurity, and pain.

It took me a long time to calm down enough to grasp, even shallowly, the fact that I am not the same girl as I was 6 years ago. Maybe she is still there inside of me, but I am so much more now. So much has taken place between then and now, and I feel like that is really a good thing.

So once the crying shenanigans ceased, we got back in the car and drove to the camp...My heart was pounding. Literally. I was nervous. But I can't deny the fact that I was actually pretty excited, too. We started bumping down the gravel road and came to the sign that always made me feel like I was being welcomed home. And it aaallll came pouring back.

The rain was totally appropriate, because I was being soaked head to toe in some of the most amazing memories and feelings. I began to wonder what I was so scared about earlier in the car. This felt so right. It felt like home. It felt like me. It felt like some of my roots were being exposed, and I didn't even mind.

I can't tell you how many deep, live-giving, incredible breaths of air I took yesterday, but it was a lot. We walked around the whole property, all 56 acres of scenic waterfront property, and literally had comments and memories and giggles and tears for every inch of that place.

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

It was an amazing weekend getaway with the people in my life I am most thankful for. I will never forget it. Ever.

~C~

Go To Your Room, Young Lady!!

The duration of a typical work day for me includes issuing a least one time-out to one of several mischievous little ones at preschool. Every so often we get through a class without name-calling, budging, hair-pulling and selective hearing, but these little guys are curious and very young and sometimes need to just sit down, chill out, and think about their actions. We have a red chair against a wall of our classroom which is the “time-out chair”. Every one of them knows what the chair is for, and no one voluntarily sits in it, even thought it is more like a little couch and quite comfortable. To the repeat offenders, all we have to do is point to the red chair and they go sit down and wait quietly for us to come and have a chat with them about why they had to sit there.

Every so often, though, we run into problems with kids we never expected to. They don’t sit in the red chair peacefully; it is as if the world will end if we make them sit down in it. They cry and plead and beg and apologize. The angry ones make me laugh (um, but not to their faces, of course!) because they almost always say, “YOU go have a time-out!”.

Oh, the irony.

“YES, PLEASE!” I want to reply.

There is truth behind those angry little remarks from stubborn 3 year olds. Sometimes I SHOULD go have a time-out. We should all go have time-outs.

Count to 10. Breathe in and out. Think about what I did wrong and think about what I am going to do to fix it. Come to terms with my bad decisions and get over it.

Don’t you love how when you were little and really ticked off your parents, they got all up in your face and yelled at you to go to your room? I love how that was a punishment. Gone are the days when I would cry and pout and be angry about having to hang out in my room and be quiet.

Now I welcome those moments.

I am going to start being intentional about time-outs. I am going to issue them to myself on a regular basis. I am going to enjoy them and even learn to love them. And around 10pm each night, I will look at my reflection in the mirror and say, “Go to your room, young lady!”. Not at 12am, 1am, or 2am. I will go to bed at a decent hour and maybe not be so grumpy and maybe not race the clock in the mornings.

Go have a time-out, and especially enjoy your weekend, folks. You deserve it.

~C~

Roots

I have been thinking a lot about roots lately. Literally and figuratively.

Remember that post where I talked about my land? Well, for the first time ever (sans watching my Lama puttering around in our backyard) I have become a gardener.

I like to think of of it as my own little Garden of Eden. Um, except for the sinning and eating of forbidden fruit and serpents and nakedness and all that stuff. It’s the Garden of Eden because I am growing vegetables and strawberries for my little bunny Eden. She has quickly taken up residence in my heart, and I want to nourish her. I want to provide good things for her.

So yesterday, I got my hands dirty. I dug and pulled weeds and shoveled and rested and shoveled some more. It was awesome.

(I didn’t do it alone, though. Here is a shout-out to TL and CH for all their help! Thanks for the herbs and veggies, T!)

There is something totally therapeutic and satisfying about dig dig digging, coming to the bottom of a deeply rooted plant or weed, and pulling it right out of the ground. You hear a ripping sound. You feel your muscles relax as that weed succumbs to your strength. You hold it in your hands in awe of its size and weight. You realize that you did it. You uprooted something.

But somehow I think that feels better in real life rather than in theory. Because when you think of how deep our emotions, like roots, run, how much more painful is it to dig to the bottom and rip those weeds out? Pretty stinking painful, I think. Ahem...I know, actually. It hurts. But I think in some ways it is even more satisfying than plants. Because it is healing.

A few weeks ago I started an anthropology course called First Nations of British Columbia-Traditional Cultures. Uh, have I mentioned to you guys yet that I am aboriginal? Some of you have seen it in my slanted eyes or ridiculously thick, coarse hair. Some of you have seen my eyes shift downward when I have told you about my heritage. It is typically not something I have nurtured in myself or been all that proud of. I have talked briefly about my dad to you guys, and for the record, he is the one from which my native background stems from. He kind of bailed on me, so that is why I haven’t tried very hard to learn about my paternal roots. He never seemed proud of it, so I didn’t either.

When I started the course, I felt a little overwhelmed, knowing that all kinds of stuff would start coming up for me, being someone who cares deeply about my past and “baggage”. So I followed my instinct and I emailed my big sister Marcy. I really love her and have looked up to her my whole life, but sadly we don’t know each other as well as I wish we did. Emailing her about our history and background was the right thing to do though, because she was really helpful in explaining to me about these things. She told me our dad was (is?) a registered Metis, and that I could be registered, too. From what I have read about in my text book thus far, Metis are not a dominant band in BC, and somehow that makes me want to learn about them (us) all the more.

Suddenly, a spark of interest has come over me. This is part of who I am. It is in my genes. It is part of my make-up. I have relatives I have never thought about in my life. I think I may have turned over a new leaf here.

My back is sore from gardening today, but this is all just a part of the next chapter for me. Sore back today, yes, but I am prepared for sore emotions in the coming months as I dig deeper in my life AND in the garden, and learn even more about who I am. Isn’t that exciting?

Remember the shout-out my brother received a while back?

Well, I want to now honor my sister Marcy and let her know in a public forum that she is totally loved and adored by me, her little sister. Thank you for your help, Marc. : )

Stay tuned as I uproot more of who I am, and plant more of what Eden the Bunny will be eating this summer. Because trust me, you will be hearing aaaallll about it!

Life is grand! : )

~C~

as a side note, this will hopefully be my last internet-less week and I can be a bit more consistent with the posting...I miss talking to you guys as often as I have in the past!

Midnight

Eyebrows. Do you ever try to picture people without them? I am not entirely sure that eyebrows have a specific purpose or whatever, but without them I think that we would look really, really weird. Some people hate their eyebrows, and some people love them.

I am indifferent about mine, but they annoy the heck out of me because they get really, really long and curly and have a mind of their own. So every once in awhile I attempt to tame them, and it is never really pretty. I had them waxed for the first time at Christmas. It was all good until the next day when I got the strangest breakout right between my eyes because of the oily wax they used. Not cool. Other times I have gone on a tweezing frenzy and gotten a little carried away. Can you relate??

In my constant strive to be totally real and candid, I will tell you a story that will hopefully make you smile...

On Tuesday night my friends and I got together for our traditional Glee night, and as usual the conversation carried on long after the credits rolled. Somewhere around 10:30pm we got into talking about our eyebrows, and many a horror story was shared. I specifically remember thinking to myself, ‘Whew, I am sure glad my eyebrows are in tact!’.

Later that night we piled in the car and made it home around midnight. I walked into my humble abode and began preparing for bed. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I decided that it would be a good time to pay a little bit of attention to my eyebrows, since we had talked so much about them that night. I got out my little facial hair trimmer thing (electric, by the way), intending to just get rid of the wispy blond uni-brow. As the hairs started falling into my eyes, I casually wiped them away...with the hand holding the electric trimmer...

I shaved off my eyebrow.

I stared in horror at my hairless brow, while a million snipits of our conversation flashed through my head...snipits about how retarded we were back in the day when we went tweezer happy and ended up with lopsided, crazy, bare eyebrows. Only this wasn’t “back in the day”. It was simply “in the day”.

I set the alarm to wake me up half an hour early so I could have a shower. For almost 26 years my hair has been parting itself on the left, but I had to blow-dry it to part on the right so that I could use my bangs to cover the hairless brow. It didn’t work very well. Have you ever tried to change your part? It hurts. I never knew that. My bangs are stubborn and despite the blow-dryer, straightener, and moose, they kept falling back the other way.

So I tried filling in that eyebrow with the closest thing I had to an eyebrow pencil...

Eyeliner. Black eyeliner.

It didn’t work.

Finally I put on a cute headband, bobby-pinned my bangs into place and hoped for the best.

Now I have learned my lesson, and the moral of the story is, most people don’t mess with their eyebrows in the middle of the night, and definitely shouldn’t.

I also learned that a lot of people laugh at other peoples misfortune, and I don’t mind if you laugh at mine! So I shaved my eyebrow off. So what? If you can smile and laugh about it, so can I.

It will grow back, right? Right guys? Please tell me it will!

Oh and another lesson? I like my eyebrows and probably won’t mess with them again.

Ah, who am I kidding? I probably will...

: )

~C~

Big Girl, You Are Beautiful!

If I hadn’t been named Christina, my parents were going to call me Mercedes. Yes, like Mercedes Benz. It’s a lovely name, but my older sister is named Marcy (oops, let another real name slide!), so I guess Marcy and Mercedes would have been a bit of a stretch. So they went with Christina. I like my name, but I hadn't heard of any other Mercedes in my 25 years of life until a certain chart-topping new show hit Global last September...can anybody guess what I might be talking about?

You got it. Glee! My obsession; my guilty pleasure. Why didn’t they think of that show sooner? It’s fabulous! One of best parts about Glee (BESIDES the singing and dancing!) is that each episode deals with real life issues. Real. Life. Like handicaps, both physical and social, pregnancy, bullying, you name it. I think all of us out there can relate with a few of the characters. My job here today is not to depict each character for you---if you haven’t already gotten to know them, do it! My job here today is to talk about a character named???? MERCEDES!

But before I do, I was wondering if you have ever heard of Mika? He is fun. If you have the volume on your computer turned on right now, you are probably listening to a weird song, hey? It’s called Big Girl, You Are Beautiful. When I first heard it, I couldn't stop laughing. Who writes a song like that? True, the lyrics are a bit degrading (“diet coke and pizza please! diet coke and I’m on my knees screaming, ‘big girl, you are beautiful!’”). But it is true. We ARE beautiful. If you don’t have volume on your computer or whatever, see if you can listen to that song at some point in time. You just might smile.

Coming back now to Mercedes, she represents the big girls in our culture. She stands loud and proud alongside Queen Latifah, Jennifer Hudson, Sara Rue, Oprah, Gabourey Sidibe, and um...Rosie O’Donnell? While at some point, Hollywood might strive to change Mercedes, persuading her to be the spokesperson for Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers, Glee celebrates her size, diversity, and representation. In real life, her name is Amber Riley.

I think she is beautiful. Beautiful smile. Beautiful body. Beautiful face. Beautiful voice. Beautiful heart. Beautiful. Do you ever look in the mirror and think the same thing about yourself?? If you are anything like me, those moments of sheer appreciation for your/our beauty are few and far between. More likely, you look in the mirror and see the opposite.

A few months ago, I can’t remember exactly when, I was walking through the gym at work on my way to lower the gym curtain, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the window. Do you know what my first thought was? “Oh geez...it’s worse than I thought.” That startled me, because honest to goodness, the thought was audible. I could literally replay that moment in my head over and over and over. How ridiculously sad! How heartbreaking! It’s always these times that send me into a frenzy of diets and exercise. But why? That is such a huge, enormous question. Why? Health aside, why is my/our figure(s) so important to me/us?

When I lived in Africa, especially Kenya, I experienced a rather interesting turn of events. I went from being overweight in Canada to fitting right in with the Kenyan ladies. Not all of them, of course, but what I learned in Africa is that having excess baggage is a sign of beauty and even wealth over there. People accepted me, more-so than the people here at home. It took me awhile, but I slowly eased into that acceptance and learned to deal with it. Now, I know that back in my Kenya post I talked about how bulimia chased me there, too, but it was different. It wasn't about my shape at that point. Bulimia was about coping. I think for me that was an important time in my life, one where I didn't have to worry about being pointed at or looked down upon because of my weight. I only had to deal with the pointing because of the fact that I am a mzungu! It was nice.

Once I got home from Kenya I struggled to be okay with my body, but I just wasn't. That was in 2005 and I am still working on it. But the truth is, it has gotten easier. Because I do feel beautiful. Not every day, not all the time, but the times when I do, I cherish them. I am learning to look at those around me in every day life and appreciate their bodies, too. No more judging or jealousy for me. Well, at least that is the goal!

I think the question we all wonder about, though is...is it okay to want to be thin? I think it's okay to want to be healthy. To want to be your best. But maybe the point where we start obsessing over something that is unattainable is where it becomes a problem. I was totally that girl, working my ass off to be a size I will never, ever be no matter how hard I try. But then I went and talked to a professional who taught me about my body shape and bone structure and told me what weight would be healthy for me, and it turns out I am not far off. Imagine that. All that sweating and crying for nothing, hey? Maybe one day I will head back to the gym for a little toning or whatever, but right now I think I would be in danger of overdoing it or slipping back into that place where I buy clothes one size too small and then nearly kill myself trying to lose enough weight to fit into them. I just need to be gentle with myself. Actually, I think we all need to be gentle with ourselves. Yes, we only get one body and we need to care for it, but we don't need to sell our souls to do it. Eat fruit. Walk in the rain. Enjoy those lazy morning stretches. Smile more. Drink water. That should be good. Oh yeah, and take your vitamins.

And maybe look at girls like Amber Riley and see how beautiful they are. Ignore Hollywood and Bollywood and NYC. We are all beautiful. The big, the small, the short and the tall. Even if you don't feel like it. You are. You are you are you are.

I promise.

~C~

Classic.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the majority of my readers are female. Once in a blue moon a guy will comment on a post, but not too often. Based on that assumption (which is only that---an assumption), I will cater to that female following today and dive right in.

I am so, so, so silly.

I got my period when I was 13 1/2 years old. That was approximately 144 periods ago. ONE HUNDRED and FOURTY-FOUR. So why, ladies, oh why does it creep up on me and "SURPRISE" me every single month?

Today it all came together. Yesterday's desperate plea for help regarding the anti-depressants saga was a low-low-low for me. But it was real. I was truly down in the dumps. More so than I usually am when I PMS. But did it ever occur to me that it might be just that---PMS? Nope. Silly!

Once a month I cry for no reason, get head aches and crampies, mood swings and munchies. And I always, without failing, wonder why. My bestie and I were discussing this today over lunch, how we should totally know, after 144 periods, that this is why we are struggling, but we don't.

Now that my ovaries are being relieved of some pent-up tension (hmm, too much information??) I feel much better. Not perfect (oopsie! I owe 5 cents to the Perfect Jar!) but better. Today I smiled without being forced to and I didn't sweat the small stuff. My Secret Pal at work surprised me with a house warming gift---an Aloe Vera plant!---which was delightful. (thanks, secret pal!). My coworker totally came through for me and helped me plan my L'il Gardeners class. I got to have lunch with one of my bestest friends. And I have some pretty amazing memories of last nights Party-on-a-Monday with that dear friend from work I have mentioned.

The climb is on! No more downhill tumbling.

Now, I owe a few of you BIG time. If you replied to yesterday's blog, you know who you are. And in keeping with anonymity I won't mention any names, but I am going to share a few snippets of wisdom that were given to me. Like I have said a thousand times, we're all in this together...

~depression is real. Chemical imbalances in the brain affect personality and emotion and our ability to adjust to life. It can be an ongoing suffering with no 'up' feelings, ever. And is it foolish to think that God cannot work through the modern miracle of science and drugs and doctors?? That is healing just as miraculous as any sort of laying on of the hands, epically spiritual experience. So yes, anti-depressants CAN be useful and sometimes necessary.

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~I think that "depression" can be a part of life. We all go through phases where everything seems, feels, you KNOW it, deep down, is horrible. There's no point in getting up, no point in doing anything, etc etc. I'm not trying to minimize these feelings, but I think that to dwell on them gives them power over us. And then? When something else has power over that is not God? What do we call that??!!! Hmmmmmmm.

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~I feel that sometimes anti-depressants are just another way for us to wallow in our own grief. Wow, that seems harsh, but I don't mean it quite so cruelly as it may sound. They CAN BE another way that we end up allowing ourselves to become fixated on our depression; but it's so sneaky because we convince ourselves that we are doing something about it through the antidepressants. Like praying against a certain sin can make us more prone to do it, because we are ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT IT.

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~The other thing is that God is sovereign. Sovereign. He has control over us. I also feel that sometimes anti-depressants are a way that we attempt to wrest control of our lives back from God. I don't think we do this consciously, but living in freedom means we are able to pass our crap over to God, and he can deal with it. He LOVES it when we give it to him. He wants it. He loves us.

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~rough times suck... and knowing what to do in the low times can be the hardest part. I've been down the depression path for a majority of my life. Done the antidepressants thing off and on and like you, i was totally freaked out about trying them at first. what would people THINK? omg. However, I learned that more people are on them than will admit and it's not a label that's forever. you can stop taking them at any time...and taking a pill doesn't confirm that you are depressed... feelings change.

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~they only really helped me most when I was at the lowest of lows. other than that I kinda felt like the side effects were worse than anything they might be "helping" me with but every persons different and maybe you wont know for yourself till you try.

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~my comment is that when ever i am feeling down (depressed) i pick my favorite worship song and blare it and realize that even if every thing else in my life seems crappy at the moment that I will always have GOD on my side to comfort me!

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Ladies, you are amazing. Thank you for your help, comfort and advice to not only me, but now to the world wide web. We can all benefit from your words of wisdom!

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Now that my monthly friend is here, I am going to put the anti-depressants on the back burner for now. But it is great to be a little more educated now in a relative way. I know I am not alone, and hopefully you guys do, too. I am not going to down-play my feelings of depression, because I have been through a lot lately, and the passing of my period isn't going to change that. But I am going to be monitoring my feelings and how I am dealing with them in the coming weeks and months.

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And one more thing? Asking for help, whether in a public forum or in your own quiet way, makes a world of difference. Remember the song Lean on Me? Take Bill Withers advice. Lean on me, lean on each other, let others lean on you.

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Happy Tuesday, my friends. : )

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~C~

Anti-Depressants

I closed the comments option on my blog a few months ago. I don’t have an exact reason for doing it, but I guess I just didn’t want to rely on those comments to motivate me to blog. I always said I would write eventually, even if only 1 person read what I had to say. Thankfully, more than 1 person will read this, but I still felt the need to close the comments option.

However, today I am re-opening it for a little while. It’s because I want to throw something out there that is really controversial and scary: Anti-depressants. I have never taken them personally. Have they been suggested to me? Yes, and on more than one occasion, too. And I have considered them in the past, especially in my early 20’s. It’s not that I am suicidal or manically depressed or anything...it’s just that a few times a year I DO get feelings of depression. I am sad and irritable, exhausted and unmotivated. I feel like that these days. Okay, so I’m smiling on the outside, but I am dragging my feet and fighting tears. I get clingy and needy, and start grasping onto those around me for comfort and attention and...I dunno...salvation almost. It’s not good.

I feel really fat these days. I think I actually am gaining weight. Nothing seems to fit. I am snacking and snacking and nothing seems to satisfy my hunger. I try to get enough sleep and yet I could curl into a ball at 2pm and sleep for 24 hours. My hair doesn’t do what I want it to do. I look in the mirror and sigh. Who is this girl??

Hello honesty... I told you I would be real with you, and I think this is as real as it gets.

Why am I spilling my guts?? It’s because I think some of you out there might actually relate to this. Maybe not everyone, but I know that I am not alone here. I know we all go through seasons of drought and sadness. I know that bawling in my car listening to sad songs on purpose is not something I invented. I’m not the first girl to put on 10 different outfits in the morning trying to decide which one best hides the muffin-top. Right? Right guys? If I could stay in my yoga pants and hoodie all day and hide I would be happy.

Remember when I went to the doctor last month and was scared to tell her about my struggle with bulimia? Well, it’s kind of like that for me again. I understand that for some people anti-depressants really do the trick. They are kinder to others, they accomplish more work, they enjoy life more thoroughly, they cope better with the bumps, they feel healthier and stronger. Those are all things I strive for. I am just scared to be labelled forevermore as “depressed”. Because I actually do really enjoy life. I do. It’s just that I need a leg up right now. After the Big Move and all my struggles at the moment (finances at the top of the list) I just need a boost. But once again, what if one day I actually finish my degree and go into a field where it is all about dealing with depressed people, and I get turned down from the job of my dreams because I took/take anti-depressants? Or are these little pills actually just like candy out there? Does everyone take them at some point in their lives? Once you start, are you able to stop?

Can I just throw something out there for you guys? I said I go through this a few times a year, right? Well, this is the first time these feelings have hit since I stopped throwing up. Can you even for a second imagine how much worse it was when I was throwing up every single day? Oh my word...what a gong show. I can’t believe that was once my life. I would be feeling so, so, so fat and ugly, and then to make matters worse, I would eat anything possible, even stale bread or cereal I didn’t even like, and then I would wait an hour and puke it all up. And that was how I dealt with these feelings. Did I feel better? Um, no. Maybe for 20 or 30 minutes or so after the fact. Then it all got bad again. I am so thankful that that part of my life is behind me. I guess I am still learning how to cope with my sad feelings in a healthy way. I don’t know what that looks like yet.

In my last post I wrote a list of things we could do to feel better. Hmm..well, I have taken my vitamins but I haven’t gone for a walk yet. Maybe I will do that now as I contemplate all I just wrote.

Am I considering anti-depressants? Not seriously, not yet. But the reason I allowed the comments option for this post is because I would like to hear your opinion, if you have one. Have you ever taken them? Do you know someone who has? Did it help? Did it make things worse? Do you think I would be wasting my time, since chances are I will come out of this fog eventually? Do you think that all the rain has brought this on and not some chronic illness?

The Big Move kind of messed things up, I think. But actually, if I hear back from you that this sadness is just part of life, I might be able to look past it. And going back to the post on perfection, well, life just isn’t perfect, is it? It certainly isn’t right now, but I can still be filled with joy.

I am going to embrace this state I am in. It’s not fun, and it hurts like hell and is uncomfortable. But maybe somewhere down the road all this hurt I am feeling will manifest itself as great compassion and empathy.

After all, my friends, as those wonderful Weepies say...

The world spins madly on...

~C~

Stuck in a Rut with a capital R!

Oh where oh where to even begin?? I am surprised I even remembered my user name and password to sign in here. It's been awhile, and I am feeling it. My thoughts are swirling, my head is spinning, my fingers are hitting the backspace key more than usual.


Life needs to slow down...


Does it ever, though? Those of you who have been around a few more years than me, can you honestly tell me that life does, indeed, slow down? Somehow I doubt it. I am desperate for a second to breathe, a second to laugh, a second to stop.


I left you readers on a cliff-hanger last week, right in the middle of the Big Move. The good news is that I have successfully moved on from Have-To to Want-To. The painting, cleaning, and packing (and even unpacking) is behind me, and now comes the task of putting the final lovely touches on my new home. It's coming together, and minus a few things, I am good to go. At the end of the day, I want to go home, which is really nice. I am loving the solitude, the quiet, the lack of expectations. Even though my former roomie was pretty chill, there was still the pressure of doing the dishes every second night and making sure the communal living space was top-notch. And not that I didn't enjoy that clean lifestyle, because I did and do, but now I can just kind of relax about it.


A very dear friend of mine from work and I have this thing going where we strive to avoid the word 'perfect'. Just yesterday we came up with an imaginary jar, and each time the word 'perfect' is uttered, we have to put in an imaginary 5cents. It's helping. Such a simple thing as that imaginary jar is having more influence in my life than any self-help book or counseling appointment has so far. I am tired of perfect, whatever that might be, and it is no longer a part of my life. My new house isn't and never will be perfect, much like my holistic self, and I am okay with that.


I promised you guys before, during, and after pictures of the past 2 weeks, which will come into fruition soon, hopefully. My beloved Mac was left accidentally in my Gramma's car last week. When I first discovered it was missing, I totally thought I would die without it and seriously considered driving all the way to White Rock to get it. But then I realized I hardly ever make the time to travel there to visit my own family, and it would be dumb to do that for a piece of machinery, so I left well enough alone. Much to my amazement, I have not yet died from lack of Internet (or cable for that matter), nor do I feel I am about to. Imagine, that, hey? The break has been nice.


On another note, I now have my bunny! Her name is Eden, and as we get to know each other I am realizing more and more how my aversion to animals was, in fact, just a bad attitude problem. She is a pet, yes, but she is like a little person too, with a personality and the ability to make me want to come home at the end of the day. I think having her is going to be really, really good for me. Pictures of her to come! Two other friends have gotten bunnies this week, too, so we will have like a sad little playgroup or something. : )
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And that Rut I was talking about? Well, I know for a fact that I am not the only one feeling that way. It's like I have forgotten how to take care of myself. I am down, I am not feeling the greatest, I am waiting for each day to end. And that is not how life should look.
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So...let's take our vitamins (Flintstones chewables rock!). Let's go for a walk, even if it is raining. Let's go to bed on time. Let's think of 3 good reasons to get out of bed in the morning. Let's be real with each other. Let's tell Perfect to go to hell. Let's breathe deeper.

Ahh....I am feeling better already. Time to start the uphill trek once again, my friends. I have had enough with the downhill. Have you?

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~C~