Like perfection. Point taken.
Anyways, this past week was an adventurous one for me. Not in the sense that I was rock climbing or travelling or anything like that, but in the sense that I felt like I was truly challenged in my job for the first time in a long time. Because let's be honest, this past year was pretty repetitive for me work-wise, and I needed a change.
I got more than that. When our Sr. Coordinator's father passed away last week they asked me to step up to the plate. I was really sad for Dan's family, but a spark of excitement went through me. It was as if this was my chance to shine. To get some things organized that have been driving me crazy. To build up and encourage some people. To have a break from children. To feel a little more grown up.
To. Step. Out. Of. My. Comfort. Zone.
And step out I did. Actually, I was thrown out. Head first. And it was thrilling.
My phone rang off the hook all week. The to-do list kept growing longer by the hour. Month-old messages needed to be returned. Supplies needed to be ordered, purchased and organized. Staff needed to be spoken to (gently). Meetings needed to take place to further set the summer in motion. Storage rooms needed to be sorted through and emptied. Coffee needed to be drank. Bonding needed to happen. Badly. Kids needed to be played with, watched over, entertained, loved.
I can honestly say that thanks to a team effort, every single one of those things not only happened but thrived and were completed successfully.
You can imagine where I am going with this...
The Perfect Jar.
I owe a LOT of money right now.
There is an internal pendulum within my personality that teeters between Type A and Type C. Can't make up it's mind. It gets me in trouble. I like Type-C Christina. She is mellow. She is calm and content. She is flexible. She is generally a heck of a lot more relaxed than Type A girl. Type A girl showed up countless times along the way of the Battle With Bulimia. She is a lot more demanding. She is ruthless. She is a 'Get'r Done" kinda girl. She doesn't let me forget my mistakes. She wants me to be perfect.
*clink*
There goes another hard-earned nickel into the Perfect Jar.
Type A girl came to visit me today. She stayed back almost all week, allowing me to complete seemingly monumental tasks along the way. But today...today I felt the pressure. The pressure of wrapping up this week with confidence and closure and security and the joy of knowing the effort was well worth it. I felt immobilized. Helpless. Weak. And you know what? There is no room for her in my life anymore. She is not me. She was once a part of me, and I have her to thank for my organizational skills and desire to be tidy. But I'm done with the bossing around.
Please don't think I have schizophrenia. I may seem a bit split personality at the moment, but this is just me taking all things internal and making them public. And I am starting to feel better.
I am going to start working off my debt right now. I am going to relax this weekend. I am going to put my homework aside and choose to have some fun. I am going to be 26 years old and I am going to swim in the lake. I am going to fly a kite. I am going to enjoy life. And I am not going to use the 'P Word'.
It's just not worth it.
Do you know what is worth it?
LIFE
Every single living breathing feeling flying moment of it.
Cheers to a bright and beautiful weekend.
~C~
