I went from loving it to hating it. Maybe I am being a little dramatic. And maybe I am just tired. And maybe distracted at the moment. By a few things. Good things.
Anyways, summer hit and I stopped studying. No matter how I examine and try to prove otherwise, that is the truth. I haven't even unzipped my binder in weeks. Except to find my favourite pen, that is.
And now the pressure is on. When you pay $427 (+ fees) per class, you are gonna do your freaking best to make it worthwhile, and especially when you got off to such a great start and you were making good grades. It's hard to not to feel like a failure. It's hard not to give up. It's hard to take the first step and reopen text books and force yourself back into that mind space. But I am going to do it. I have to do it. I owe it to myself and to the people who back me up and believe in me.
The problem is, when? I was just explaining the other day to a certain someone how I am being ridiculous with my time these days. I work 40+ hours per week at a job that is very hard to walk away from at the end of the day. I am overbooking. I am overcommitting. I am burning out. I am tired. Not the same kind of tired as before, the kind that consumed me and immobilized me. But the kind where I miss my house and I miss playing my instruments and I realize I haven't sat still for longer than 20 minutes at a time. Minus sleep-time, which has actually been gradually dissipating lately.
It's back to the drawing board for this girl. Back to that place where I sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and literally pick and choose life giving activities as opposed to activities that deplete me. It's back to blocking out time (preferably every day) for myself; time where I can sit in my window and watch the neighbourhood kids playing, time where I can make a decent meal and have the space to enjoy it.
And time to make time for my schoolwork. It's tough when it's sunny and warm and the lake is so close you can breathe it in, but sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do. And I am going to muster up every bit of strength and read once again about the Sto:lo and about resource use and about the 4 year salmon run in the Fraser Valley Watershed. I am going to pass this course with flying colours because I deserve to.
I am going to rebalance. I am going to keep on figuring out this life thing.
Happy almost-weekend, my friends.
~C~
