I have decided to do it.
It wasn’t an easy decision to make.
It isn’t an easy decision to come to terms with.
But I am doing it. I am taking charge of my life. I am taking care of me and my body and my health and my future and, most importantly, my relationships.
As you all well know, life has been a bit rough lately. It might not seem like it to you guys who put up with a lot of my written drama, but I have tried to withhold from whining and complaining on here as much as I have wanted to. This blog was originally an outlet for me to tell you guys that I struggled with bulimia, and has turned into a wonderful, relieving, stress-reducing part of my life. You have listened with dedication and kindness, open-mindedness and empathy. I really want to thank you for that. Those of you who see me in everyday life have been amazing with asking those hard questions, those “how are you doing for real” questions. I want to thank you for that.
I want to thank all you women who gave your input and advice and concern and care into your responses to my Anti-Depressants post. You really helped me in making the right choice for me. And that choice, for now, is to give them a try.
For the record, I took my own advice in hopes that it would lift this miserable cloud that has been shadowing me for months. I took walks. I took vitamins. I took a long hard look at my life and have genuinely spent years owning up to it and learning to love. I looked in the mirror and repeated on end, “You are loved. You are beautiful”. I went to bed early as often as possible. I cut out junk food. I cried when I needed to. I asked for help. I prayed.
As much as I genuinely believe in those life-giving activities, they just aren’t cutting it somehow. I am so, so tired. Especially at work. I am sad. Simple chores, like doing a few measly dishes or needing to change Eden’s cage seem like insurmountable tasks. I have been needing to-do lists for absolutely everything lately, from showering to doing homework to calling home once in awhile. I constantly feel the weight of the world and sometimes cry for humanity for no reason.
It wasn’t always like this, and I expect it won’t always be.
It’s just that for now, for at least a few months, I am going to treat these feelings as a medical condition and see if anti-depressants help. Because right now I am not feeling good. And people who don’t feel good see a doctor. That’s what I am doing.
I’m tired of to-do lists that take me down. I want to get back to living life without the little black rain cloud that Winnie the Pooh somehow turned into something way too cute for what it is worth.
Again, thank you so much for being in my life. What a relief knowing that you are out there, patiently watching me figure out this life thing.
~C~
