I haven't felt this nervous to share anything with you guys since the old days. My heart is kind of racing actually, and as I look down at my hands as I type, there is a distinct tremble. I am realizing in this moment that brave Christina is scared.
You can probably guess from the title of this post what I have to tell you about. If you have lived with me or had a sleepover with me you will know very well what is coming. I have some big sleeping problems. So bad that I am afraid to go to sleep sometimes, and so bad that I rarely feel rested and refreshed.
My parents always knew I was a sleepwalker and sleep talker. It was even a bit of a family joke, because apparently I get this from my dad, who one night left his apartment building in the dead of night and woke up in another. Weird. One night at camp my co-counselor chased me down because I was taking a walk to the tree houses in the pitch black. My first housemate ever woke up one night to the sound of pouring rain, to find me heading into the cul-de-sac in the middle of a storm for no apparent reason. Another housemate of mine couldn't find the dishtowel one morning and found it in my bed with me. I have woken up in closets and laundry rooms, back yards and curled up in the middle of the floor. Other friends have testified to my crying, yelling, calling out in the night seemingly terrified. I have always brushed this behavior off as hilarious, my own little way of entertaining the people who are graced with my presence at night.
Our first night at the Hilton, Hannah and Will got their first taste of my sleeping problems. Hannah tells it better, but I guess I was in the middle of "rescuing" someone when she woke up and tried to talk to me and calm me down enough so that I would rest again. The next night was bad. We had spent the day at Disneyland, supposedly the happiest place on earth, but my subconscious had plans for me other than reliving the cheerful, colourful haven that is Disney. Hannah says that we were sleeping away, quiet as mice, when she woke up to a sharp light coming into our room. She had heard the lock on the door release and panicked when she realized I was walking straight out into the hallway. She quickly woke Will who ordered me back to bed. I was scared, they were confused and concerned for what might have happened if I had actually left and found the elevator or whatever, and the rest of that night was rough. Let's just say that I am very blessed to have a friend like Hannah who watches over me like a hawk. I don't often remember too many details of my nightmares, but for this instance I did. I had dreamt that we were back at Disneyland getting off the Space Mountain ride. Everything was pitch black and the people on the ride filed off and left through these doors, but by the time I caught up with them the door had closed and I was left in the pitch black, alone and abandoned. I guess me opening our hotel room door was my way of trying to escape from that predicament.
Because of that night, Will ended up staying in L.A. for the remaining 3 days. It had never really occurred me to before that this problem was serious until Hannah told me she had cried her eyes out after that night. So I decided this last week to keep a "dream journal" as a way to track what I was going through at night. Every morning when I woke up I wrote a few things down if I remembered a nightmare. Ready for this, people?
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April 9th-
Last night I dreamed I swallowed so many
uncoated pills that they all got stuck in my throat and I died.
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April 10th-
Last night I dreamed that Jennifer and I were on a massive airplane
and learned that it was about to be bombed. We quickly
made a plan to rescue as many people on board as possible. We managed to save
quite a few people, including a tiny little blond girl who clung to me. We couldn't
land the plane though and we couldn't call home.
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I also dreamed that my friends and I were driving along a really windy road
and there was a bad car accident in front of us. The police made us get out and walk
to this river where they took our keys away. I don't remember anything else.
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April 12th-
Last night I woke up around 2am convinced I was late for work. I started
panicking and put all my clothes on. Then I woke up and realized it was only 2am
so I went back to sleep in my work clothes.
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April 13th-afternoon nap
Today I was so tired that I had to have a nap. I fell asleep on the couch and had a
really bad dream. In my dream I had to take care of some kids
that were severely mentally disabled. They reminded me of the
movie Gremlins. I was in charge of twins who kept running into traffic and lashing
out at me when I tried to keep them safe. Both twins cut me and ran away and
I couldn't find them. I was looking everywhere for them when a
homeless man grabbed me and I couldn't get away. I woke up drenched in sweat
and I couldn't breathe. I don't like taking naps.
.
Okay, I guess I just told you a few paragraphs back that I don't remember my dreams. I think that wasn't true. Maybe I remember them all too well. I really hate the way I am shaking right now, the way I remember waking up from all these dreams in only the past few days feeling dizzy and tired. I don't watch scary movies or shows, I don't eat spicy food (or anything before bed for that matter) and I don't personally relate to any of my nightmares. I don't know what to do about them besides pray before bed. But I don't like going to sleep. At all.
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Friends, in only 2 weeks I am moving out to be totally on my own for the first time. I have lived on my own for about 7 or 8 years, but always with roommates or with host families when I was overseas. People always tell me about my sleepwalking/talking but who is going to take care of me now? Besides God, I guess. I won't lie. I am a little scared. Brave Christina who travels alone and lives alone and goes through life alone is scared.
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I am going to get a bunny so hopefully that will help in the solitude. It will be nice to have something to greet when I come home from work and say goodnight to before bed. But if you are praying person, maybe faith and prayers will help. Actually, I know they will.
So what I learned in California about this is that it is a problem. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time. I sleep well on sleep-in days from about 7am-10am. Maybe it is because of the light. I don't know.
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A lot of you readers are in psychology or familiar with such issues. I am totally up for any advice you might be able to give me. I know I am never alone, and I know I have people who love me, but I know the adjustment period in the next few weeks will be tough. I'll keep you posted.
Thanks for listening today. I didn't like writing this at all and am struggling to fight back the lump in my throat. I am on my break at work and have cried in this place enough. I don't want to cry. I'm sorry if night terror is something you also struggle with.
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For now,
~C~
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"You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day"(Psalms 91.5)
